I woke up feeling ok. Felt that i could redo my resume and then go apply for a job, but then i remebered that i broke it off with my gf last night. then my ex texted me i was already feeling like crap and i decided to text her back to be politre and put on that fake me, she is doing great, she is doing what a 21 year old should be doing. then i text my friend jake i started crying at 10 didnt stop till 1pm. I tried to hang myself, made the nouse, wrote my letter, put the nouse around my neck and i pulled the other side. I didnt want to put the otherside on the light i didnt want to die but i did, it hurt and i could feel my throat closeing fromt eh pressure. I thought that maybe i could stop the blood flow and just die but it wasnt working, i didnt want to do the hanging part cuz who ever found me would see that. i kept pulling and feeling my arterise close and my throat close then id let go before i did some permanent damage, i couldnt hang myself or end my life that way. So i got my knife that i cut with and i tried to  make a deep cut it wasnt deep enough and it hurt. I dont know how deep i have to go.it wasnt deep enough and i didnt know how to make it go deeper my knife wasnt sharp enough. i sat curled up crying getting up once in a while to go to the bathroom. then my mom called i couldnt stop crying. she wanted me to rub peace and calming on my feet, i didnt want to because i know that it wouldnt make the problem disaprear it would just calm me down then when i get back to it it will just be worse.

2 Comments
  1. inkatobacherry 13 years ago

    iv given up on shrinks and meds. shrinks dont help, and i only get side effects from meds. and the problem with getting well again is that it hurts so much more when you fall again. IM FUCKING 21 and im so crippled by this fucking disease!! sorry i dont meant o yell at you guys im just cant see a life like this anymore.

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  2. inkatobacherry 13 years ago

    thanks steen. i loved. its nice. i feel strong when im with someone that i love. i guess ill stick it out tonight. thanks steen. I think i should talk more with my gf. i know she wants to be ehre for me that she would if she could. its hard to love her the way that i want to when we are so far apart. this depression isnt entirely about her she”d be a comfort that would make it better but everythign around me is so lost. there is nothing anymore. ill just stick it out. isnt it bad when thinking of death in the day leaks into your dreams so you dream about it too. night guys im calling it a night. im so tired from today.

     

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