tonight is just kinda like any other night lately….I really honestly don't know what I feel…I'm just kinda numb.  I know I'm not happy, I know I'm not sad…I'm just kinda breathing (which I GUESS is a good thing).  I do what I can to try to keep the others in my house happy, so I can at least avoid that drama, but lately I haven't even been doing that good enough I guess.  As I said before, when I do try to talk to them about how I actually feel, well i get told I'm being stupid, or it's just my perception, or that's just not how it is.  I'm so glad everybody else seems to know how I feel, even if they aren't even remotely close.  But at this point, I don't even feel like i"m strong enough to fight them.  the demons from the past are chasing me hard right now…and I'm running for my life.  I look at the future and at times wonder what's the point???  I just wish I could feel happy…and not have it scare the shit out of me and have me sabotage it anyway.  I just wish at times I could just cut the pieces of my heart away that keep messing with my head, but then my heart would be even more empty I guess.  I mean I know I have love in my life…BUT nobody in my immediate environment seems to or want to understand how my head is spinning lately.  I dunno, maybe it's just me.  I live with three other adults, and most of the time they seem to get along fine.  Maybe I'm the one with the issues and I just need to listen to them and just chill out cuz I'm being stupid. 

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