Introduction

Since I am new, I shall introducte myself.

I am 45 years old and single. My ordeal started when I was around 8. At that time, I developed binge eating disorder to compensate for the lack of love from my family. My parents were always verbally fighting and I was caught in the middle. I have a sister who is ten years older than me, but she never cared about me. Today she turned to religion and views me as trash since I refused to follow her down that path.

When I was 16 my parents divorced. It was an ugly and mean divorce. My father went to live with my sister and her husband and that’s when the family was really torn in two. Because of my age, I stayed with my mother, who always had a cold personality, no hugs there. At age 18 I moved out and got into student housing. I finished my education ( am a teacher today) and ended up in an abusive relationship with my ex. I took my about 5 years to leave him. I managed to get out when he committed got himself comitted. It took me a very long time to feel something akin to rest, several years, and up to day I don’t feel like myself. Honestly, I have no idea who I am.

I function fine at work ( I teach full time – teenagers). I am a great actor so no one even suspects what it is really going on inside of me.  I still binge, almost each day, even though I have developed health issues with my bowls. I used to work out a lot to compensate for overeating to keep my weight down, but now I am down with an Achilles tendon injury and I can’t move much. Every step hurts and I need to stop overeating, but it is my main coping mechanism…

I have tried to get professional help. I went to my doctor (male doc first and female doc years later) and both assured me I needed a theapist, but then they say, find one yourself… And I tried, but over here, overeating and related issues aren’t taken serious. Depression? Most of the time, when you’re a woman, they blame it on histerics and send you home.

My biggest problem is my loneliness. My father is 84 and a mean, old man, who puts me down every chance he gets, so I limit our contact severely. My mother died when I was 18… My sister is too religiously ‘correct’ to concern herself with me. I have two friends, who I see once a month, or every two months, but I would never burden them with my problems.

Most of the days I cope. Yeah, I overeate bigtime, but I manage, I function. But sometimes, like today only a small thing happens and I get a full blown panic attack. Like, realizing, that the building I live in probably has a mouse problem ( I hear them in the walls). And then, I don’t have anyone to talk to. I know I can deal with the situation if only I had someone to talk to. I already mailed a company dealing with mice problems and they will get back to me tomorrow, but because I can’t discuss it with a loved one, I overreact. I get all hot and sweaty. Body temp goes up and cold sweats follow. Stomach ache (but that might be because of overeating). I always think of the worst scenarios because there is no one to talk me down.

So that’s me in nutshell. Lonely and depression, but raised to survive everything that life throws at me. The thing is, I am tired. I don’t want to function or survive… I want to live.

Feel free to message me, but don’t get worried when it takes me quite some time to get back to you. I am in Europe and I work full time…

Thanks for listening to me raving…

M

 

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