I keep looking at the articles about my friends passing.  I keep looking for his family or friends to post an obituary.  I want to find out about when and where the funeral will be… I\'m trying so hard to reach out to his people… but the only person I want to find now is the friend who he talked most about… and I have no way of finding.

Fabian… the man who Charles talked about as a constant in his life is no where to be found… and if the few people who I\'ve talked to did know Fabian it was only in passing… and through word of mouth from Charles.  No one is able to connect me with the man who was just with Charles a few weeks back at a medical study… and who took care of his cats before meeting up with him at the study.  The only man who seemed to know what Charles was thinking about in regards to us and our relationship.  Apparently, the man told Charles to move to Minnesota when they spoke of me.  He is the only person I really need to find… he is the one who might have answers for me. 

Charles didn\'t get along with his family.  He said it had been years since he saw or spoke to his mom or sister… and his ex wife didn\'t allow him to see his kids when he tried to visit… and any gifts he sent the kids over the years he feared they never received.

I don\'t know much about Charles past… he spoke of it only when I asked and I tried not to dig too deep.  He was my present… he was the here and now, and all of my dealings with him had been relatively good.  The bad things that happened I talked out with him… and he seemed to make up for.  Even when I got angry and left his place when I was there in December… we talked it out… a miscommunication… we were able to be ok.  Through the bad times and the times where we stopped talking… we always found our way back to one another.  A random pocket dial from him would bring us back together.

I\'m not coping very well I guess.  I cry alot… At work I try to hold it in… but yesterday on my lunch break I just let some of it out.  I\'m told that crying is good… releasing the emotions are good… but I know that it\'s hard on my family.  I know they don\'t know what to do with me.  I cry consistantly and constantly when I\'m at home… My mom thinks I should talk to a grief counselor… I feel like maybe I should too.


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