Here i am I go my hopes up. I was hopeful and optimistic for all the wrong reasons. Thinking I can move forward never to feel pain again.. As if i wouldn’t feel the pain in my chest of lost. The worst part about being just a single human being is the possibility there will be another human who will want to share a special space. I was afraid that if i had feeling for someone COMPLETE and REAL feelings for someone I know I will give everything to that person body, mind and soul. The fear that holds me back is that one day it wont be enough, it will be to much, it wont be what they want, it won’t be given back or they will want to walk away. They end up leaving me. they will leave me with all these feelings that I know if i felt would hurt me to the core if rejected or turned away.
I started to get there. I started to feel it… and now I know it isn’t going to work out what do I do with these feelings? How do you tell someone you have feelings for them but your not ready to committee and what if they aren’t ready either but have feelings. i’m so confused. He was so attracted to me and then after we had talked and met things began to get real. I wonder if he felt it.
Did he feel my skin hot from being nervous? Did he hear how my voice trembled just trying to hold a conversation? Did he hear my heart beating in my chest? Giving away how happy I was to be next to him? Did he feel the love i was trying to give him when I kissed him? Did he feel how much comfort it gave me when we held hands? Did he feel the butterflies Like i did when I laid under his arm in bed? Did he know how much sadness there was in me when I gave him a hug good bye?
Sometimes I wish I knew what he was thinking but I wont force him to tell me because if he really felt that way about me he would make it know right? He would have spilled his guts trying to make the awkward feelings go away. But he has another love in his life. His son. His creation that he cares so deeply about. Something I can’t compete with, I wouldn’t want to anyways. Kids deserve the world. Who am I to demand time. Who am I to steal this kids parent away for my own happiness. It wouldn’t be happiness for him if his son can not be in his life i know that. I’m not saying i would want to but I know he will choose his son over me and I am 100% okay with that.
But it hurts knowing he will be far away from me, in a place close to EX, in a place where he can take care of his family. It hurts me.. so do i say goodbye and move on? DO i abandon the thought of making this a long distance thing. It really feeling like wrong place wrong time. or Wrong time and the right person. It would be easier for me to forget him and leave him alone. But i don’t want to but I know I will only be hurting myself if I continue… SO what do I do brain?Heart? Do i Abandon the possibility of a connection like this? Im so lost.