Hi,

I would like to introduce myself here as I think it\'s about time to start working through my baggage if I\'m ever going to get this ANXIETY under control. So this first blog is going to be a brief history of me and how I got here.

Here. Right now I\'m lying in bed with my laptop, about to spill my guts. I\'m living in my boyfriend\'s mum\'s lounge (with him of course). The idea was to move in for a few weeks, save a bond for our next rental house and gap as soon as we could. Didn\'t happen due to my bfs loan consolidation, then my health went down, I stopped working and studying and our money has just been all over the place ever since. Currently we have his mother on at us all the time because she\'s changed her mind about how long we can stay. So – moneyless, almost jobless, and very close to having no roof over our heads.

I guess the main thing that has lead up to this moment is my extreme decline in health. I\'ve always struggled with something, things just seem to take more effort for me than others. Had Glandular Fever from age 12 to 15 so lost a lot of social confidence, among many other things,then. Binge drank while I was at uni so I guess that\'s where most of the injuries came from – sprained ankle x3, broken foot, popped disc in my back etc. I have no idea how I managed to get thrudepression, migraines, food poisoning x2, heat stroke, chronic fatigue and still pass uni. All thru that time I was drinking/clubbing a lot too so my body image and self respect went then. All the while, and without my knowledge, a disease called Endometriosis was developing inside me. When I did finally want to get a diagnosis forthe incredible pain in my stomachthe doctors didn\'t wantto send me to a specialist, still have no idea why. Once I finally went to see a surgeon, he wanted to operate as soon as possible and did so 6 weeks later. He removed the disease from me and now I\'m here.

It\'s been a month since my surgery and sometimes I feel way better, but most of the time I just feel terrible. I wake up in the morning at 6-7am, cannot for the life of me get back to sleep, and am anxious all the time. Ever since my surgery I\'ve had so many panic attacks and I just feel like I\'ve lost all of my confidence. The doc says I\'m probably suffering from post traumatice stress.. I\'m not sure, I\'m just scared of everything!

And I rely on a lot of medications to numb me out to it. Sometimes just the idea of not having anything to zone me out will send me into a panic attack. Yesterday I managed to cry 5 times on separate occasions withough my bf knowing (we spent the day together).

And when I started writing this blog, I had a direction for it. Now.. can\'t even freakin remember. I guess the point of this blog was to break the ice a bit. I think I\'ll deal with each issue on it\'s own seeing as there are soo so many.

So there ya have it. An overview of how I\'ve managed to help my body fuck itself up and in turn – my head.

to be very continued..