Hi everyone! I decided that I’m going to start blogging on this site regularly to express myself to the world, and when I say express myself, I mean every part of myself, including the good, the bad, and the ugly. I will not be disclosing by name or location in my blog posts for privacy reasons, and this blog post will serve as an introduction to me. Here goes nothing!
I was born in China and moved to the US when I was around 2 years old. I had a pretty normal childhood. I played video games like every other kid born in the year 2000 and enjoyed playing with action figures with friends. Never would anyone expect that my life would turn into the abnormal direction. At age eight, I started to experience painful migraines and began to feel constantly depressed. I was singled out as “that one kid who never goes to school” in my local community because I was constantly missing school because of the painful and debilitating migraines. This made making friends hard because I was barely well enough to talk to other people. Around sixth grade, I started getting bullied and harassed by a group of mean kids who honestly didn’t know any better at the time. They made jokes and called me “gay” and “rapist”, not knowing what those words actually meant. I became extremely isolated from the rest of the world, and I think that really worsened my depression. I remember spending middle school mostly just hanging out in the library and reading books. In freshmen year of high school I decided that since I was going to high school, I was going to reinvent myself like a Hollywood celebrity. I changed my clothing style, hairstyle, and even my attitude towards life. Things were looking bright freshman year because I finally started getting the good grades that my parent oh so desperately wanted to see, and I even managed to get involved with a strong friend group. Around sophomore year I began to question my sexuality, mainly because I realized I felt no attraction to all the girls considered cute by every guy at school and because I realized I do like guys. After a long psychological battle with myself, I finally made peace with the fact that I am gay and that I was just going to have to continue life. Oh, and to be honest, sophomore year was actually pretty chill compared to other hectic years of my life. THIS YEAR…I am a junior. And everyone knows how much juniors love life, right? Right??? Well, in case you didn’t notice my sarcasm, the answer is no, juniors dread everything. Advanced courses are offered exclusively only to juniors and seniors at my school, and that means that juniors at my school really need to play the catching up game if they want to compete with other college applicants in the future. Also, lets not forget the SAT and ACT test that is now mandatory to apply for most colleges. I, being the ever overachiever that high school molded me into, decided to take three advanced courses and one honors course. It seemed like a good decision at the time…until my depression came back for a round two. And guess what? Depression brought a friend named anxiety! Dealing with anxiety and depression at the same time is exhaustinf. I think I’m more physically exhausted from worrying myself all the time than I am from staying up late and doing homework. If I had to choose the better of two evils right now, I would choose depression. At least depression doesn’t make me feel like I’m trapped in my own mind, like every decision I make is wrong, or like the world hates me. And the advent of depression and anxiety also means me being anti-social again, and this time, its not because there’s a physcial barrier separating me from making friends, such as bullying, but rather its because I feel physically exhausted from everything, including being social. Getting through a whole school day withot breaking down is honestly downright challening these days, and I sometimes even miss school because of my anxiety or depression. Now you may be wondering if I am seeking therapy to cope with my jail wardens named anxiety and depression. The answer is yes, but its hard to find a good fit for me. I’ve tried psychoanalysis and my nurse practitioner, my mom, and I have all decided its not for me, and we are now seeking cognitive behavorial theory (CBT). But right now, I am not currently in therapy and life is becoming harder and harder and harder. Some days are better than others, buf its rare that I experience a genuinely “good” day. However, despite all of this, I have decided from now on that I will try not to let life break me. I was inspired by a Netflix show named Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. The main character Kimmy is portrayed as a persistent and motivated person who continues to be motivated even though she has suffered more adversity than anyone can possibly imagine. The show really inspired me, and I think I’m genuinely going to a better state of mind soon.
So that was actually a pretty long blurby descrption of my life so far mental-illness wise. I tried to end it on a good note, but honestly I still think my life is kinda sad at this point. Hope to blog tomorrow, and thanks for reading!