A few weeks ago, I received my annual performance review at my job of X years. Even though I exceeded expectations on every category, overall my manager set it to met expectations. I felt disillusioned a bit but not surprised by it, since I had taken short term disability leave for health reasons, specifically general anxiety disorder.

The last year I actually exceeded performance expectations on every category too and received the same overall, and my manager had been hyping me up to work hard to achieve a promotion to the next stage. I have X years of experience in engineering so I felt the stage was ripe, so I busted my butt. In fact I worked so hard, I burnt out somewhat. I took a long vacation for summer. But later on I ended up needing to take short term disability leave for several months as it culminated into too much stress for my job and I didn’t feel safe. (and with the whole pandemic policy makers threatening to mandate more austere measures that didn’t help anxiety depression)

originally I didn’t think I could go back to the job. I was in a dark dark place. Worrying about the future. Ruminating about the past. Anxiety, pain, depression- panic attacks where I would almost think I needed to go to a hospital or ER. Panic attacks where I would be sweating hands in bed and hearing my thumping heart. I was fearful

after several months of slow but methodically taking care of myself, prayer to God and reading the Bible, and practicing mindfulness, exercising, going strictly gluten free, taking plenty of supplements to aid my gastrointestinal system in fighting some nasty bacteria overgrowths (h pylori /e coli), exposure therapy, radical acceptance, ABC skills, etc. Even getting an mri on my brain to rule out pain being caused by a brain tumor. Eventually curable was helpful in reducing my pain by realizing there was nothing structurally wrong with me. I was not going crazy. I was not going to somehow commit suicide. I was not going to lose my volition against my will. Anxiety and worry will let you believe anything if you aren’t observing it sometimes or are vulnerable from trying too hard. So I stopped trying so damn hard! That’s right. I trusted the process and played whenever I felt I wanted to. Video games, movies, etc. I didn’t always need to work on myself.

Fast forward, after I went out on a limb and commented on the review, paraphrasing but that it was unfair to mark a penalty on ones performance expectations when one is on health leave, then the manager went to HR and actually the HR agreed with me, so I may yet get that promotion since they said they would offer that up then! Praise God!

all because I contended for my feelings that it was not right and I wrote in my diary about it and felt my conscience had to say something, even if it was to a wall.

I still feel some strange inner sensations like a background noise in my body. Sometimes it triggers anxiety about health or false alarms that I am feeling anxiety. but it is OK I am safe. I need to someday realize I am safe and my body is safe. Whether it is anxiety or actually safe signals in my body (or even Bluetooth radiation who knows  🤷🏻‍♂️) what’s important is how I react to it going forward. I will grow with this and will have new perspectives with both my rational and emotional brain = wise brain