So, even though today was a fairly good day for my OCD, it was not a fairly good day overall. A while ago, a pain my husband has been having in his side for years off and on, became more persistent and continuous. He decided to go to the doc thinking it might be a hernia. They found nothing, did blood tests, nothing…
He ended up going back to the doc after a couple weeks, because the pain just wouldn't quit. They did an ultrasound, just to check things out…well, there it was, a spot on his pancreas, along with some cysts on one kidney. The doctor didn't seem overly concerned, but decided it was prudent to do a CT scan, just to make sure of what they were seeing. Well, today we heard back from the doc that there is definitely a 6mm by 14mm spot on my husband's pancreas and the surrounding lymph tissue is inflamed. I am assuming most of you know exactly where my mind went when I heard this news. And now my head continues to spin trying to make sense of everything. We at least are set to go to a specialist next week.
But here is where my OCD has taken a wicked turn with this. I wanted to tell my friends and family. Talk to them about it. Get their support and verbal hugs (as we live 2300 miles from any of them)…but then my mind started working and telling me that I wanted to tell them for the attention. That I secretly wanted my husband to be sick to get the attention. That I was enjoying it all. The other part of my brain, what I like to call "Me", really just wants to get comfort from those I love, to let them know what is happening, to gain guidance. "Me" may like to have some of the attention, but not at the expense of the health of my husband. And then I get fearful, because my mind races to worst case scenarios. My mind starts preparing for the worst case. I don't want to prepare for thought and the magical thinking causes me to stress that I might somehow "cause" those worst cases.
I am not discussing this with my husband. And I know I don't really want him to be sick or in pain or stressed beyond belief. I just needed to write this down somewhere to rid my mind and body of it. So, thanks Tribe, for listening.
Sorry to hear your husband hasn't been feeling well. It's good that they finally found out what it is that has been bothering him. Obviously, you know and we know that you don't want your husband to be sick. When it comes to getting support you really have to try and dismiss what OCD is trying to make you feel. Don't let it prevent you from finding comfort and support because you know OCD sure isn't going to provide it! I think stressful situations cause our thoughts to be this way…it's like the higher the anxiety, the more intense the irrational thoughts and the more of them. You may have to walk through a brrage of intrusive thoughts to talk to your family, but after you finally do, you will be able to see how meaningless those unwanted thoughts are. I wish you, your husband and family the best. Hope you both feel better soon.
I'm so sorry to hear the outcome of your husband's test results. Everyone who has posted before me has made some excellent comments, so I'm not sure that I have too many new words to add. Don't let your OCD keep you from reaching out to your family. They're not going to be thinking that you are seeking attention. They're going to be concerned and offer support to the both of you. In the meantime, you can always come to us to vent about your OCD thoughts. We understand the fight between your brain and your OCD! I'm thinking of you and praying for you and your husband. A big online hug from me!![\"\"](\"/images/smile/emo/001_smile.gif\")