no matter what i do or say it will never be right… i am forever a screw up… and i am tired of it… one day i will try to kill myself, when the pain overwhelmes me so… when i can no longer throw my feelings out like i am doing now… i don’t believe its too far off now… knowing that all i do is make my mother worry, hurts so much when i have no idea why she does so… what did i do so wrong that she can not trust me for 2 weeks alone at home… my brother has everything and i have nothing… my success can only come after my brother’s… my life must come after his… once he moves out my mother will do one of two things… kick me out with no warning or re- enforce the locked doors i am in now… i have no friends no hangouts no life… friends i try to make she does not like… i know this from past experiences: erin, allison, erica, emily and others i can’t remember right now… ps. those were some of my closes friends… my life has been nothing but trying to do the right thing, to never mess up… but she never trusted me not to mess up in the first place!!! i’m a kid that any parent would love to have!!! i ditch class twice in the whole 12 yrs of school! i had oppertunities to have sex and i said no! if i wanted to i could have gone to parties and drink under age, smoke, give me some pot! COME ON!! but i didn’t… i never did because i wanted her to be proud of me… i wanted to be held when i cried… i wanted to be trusted to do things on my own, but she refuses to let me… i got poor grades in school, not because i wasn’t smart enough, but because she stood over me everysecond that i had school work in front of me… once i knew what made me feel so aweful(my mom being there) i learned to avoid it… i did my homework during times she wasn’t around, but then she would catch me in the act and start standing over me… that was enough… i never did my homework at home, and if that meant never getting it done then so be it… i never had a free life, the life i begged for since i was a young child… when i was 5yrs old i asked, let me live one month with dad one month with mom… they said no… when i was 9 my mother threaten to send me to boarding school if my grades didn’t get better… i asked when can i go!… i’m ready to get out, to succeed, or to die… live free or die trying… … … … … i think i’m dead……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

1 Comment
  1. ziquester 13 years ago

    Must be awful living in the shadow of your brother and your mother constantly doing things to make you question yourself and life!
    But yes,wait till you can be free from her and can move out to your own place.I was once in your situation..only worse.But it took one day to get the respect of everyone in my family..even though I was not really welcomed back home by the only person I really cared about.
    You seem like a really smart girl..I forgot something back then..years ago about trying to make parents proud of their kids.But something you’ll learn from life,you cannot make everyone happy..or if you keep trying,you’ll kill yourself trying.Situations like this,its best to keep yourself happy because these are testing times..especially for someone young like you.Whats going on..can make or break your future.Dont try hard to impress anyone but yourself..and be true to yourself.
    Im sorry if all this does not say much but thats sorta how I survived.

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