Migraines, self-loathing, hopelessness, and heartache are some of the things I’ve dealt with over the past year. I haven’t been talking much or been online much because of those. I get intrusive thoughts about my past relationship in Iowa. It feels like I am turned to fluid and someone has just passed through me each time it happens, which is often. I found a cat I fell in love with day after day. Emily was my whole world, and then she died too. I’ve lost so many loves and still try to find somebody. I have been having trouble adjusting at my new job.

My uncle has been living with my grandmother and me for eight months because he shot himself the day after I arrived. He hooked up with his brother’s ex and my grandma said she was not welcome in her home, but she’s been living here too, and neither of us have not been the least bit thrilled by her presence. They’re married now. They keep saying they’re gonna move out and then don’t. In the meantime, talk to each other on speaker phone and, trust me, keep each other plenty pissed off. My uncle freaks out daily and has a shitty attitude.

My dad’s in jail again for trespassing in a vacant house for sale, damaging the hearth, and running the energy bill to 1,400. So, he missed my birthday again. Last year, he couldn’t even call me because he was in jail for threatening to light his brother’s dogs on fire.

I rarely drink anymore, unless I need to give myself a shot. I can’t do that sober. I thought maybe quitting excessive drinking is why I have such bad headaches all the time, but who knows. Also, I own a car and I know how to drive now.


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