I think i'm just a lost cause. I will never be what anyone wants. No matter how much therapy I go through I will always manage to relapse without fail. I can't please anyone I cant be what anyone one wants. I will always be a fuck up. Its like i'm on the outside watching myself get better and then watch myself single handedly destroy myself.
I try I really try. I feel that my only resort left is to medicate. Medicate myself till there's nothing left of me. Just this empty "happy" person that everyone can enjoy. Empty person that can't continue to fuck things up. Empty person that I cant hate and love at the same time.
I will never be better. I thought I could be. I worked on it really did. Intense therapy and I was all for it. ALL for it. thought someone had really got through to me. but who am I kidding. I was always the screw up of the family. Got pregnant at 15, got a scholarship but failed every class then just dropped out, got married to get out of the suck hole town and people i lived around, felt so undesired that i cheated on my husband, got help but let myself go……I will never be better. but I can fake happy DAMN good.
Guess its back to that. Pretend to be happy till I finally believe it…if i ever will. I think my husband wants to divorce me. I don't blame him. who really wants to handle this piece of work anyways.
I was in the shower and for the first time in over a year i looked at my scars with envy. I wanted to cut so bad. I wanted to kill myself again. I felt that urge.I felt that desire I wanted it. I wanted to just leave and not care. Leave my boys my husband my family my friends gone. I just end up fcking things up again so i could spare them all…..So many of my friends have killed themselves. so many….its not that bad.You die and slowly people start to forget about you..till your just that someone they used to know.
here I go again….down the rabbit hole