This is a leap for me.  I\'m pleased to finally a way to reach out and let go all at the same time.   I\'m scared to reach out through this site, because I really am frightened that I\'ll be heard.  Maybe worst of all, I\'m frightened that I won\'t.  

I\'ve been suffering from anxiety since childhood. It was much more severe when I lived at home because I dealt with abuse.  I didn\'t start taking to anyone about the horrors of my childhood until I was in college.  I went to counseling for three sessions and made such "breakthroughs" that I didn\'t know what else to talk about.  I was embarrassed that a stranger knew so much about me.  I hated being seen as a victim or a survivor.  I was just anxious to be me, that I stopped the sessions.  Stupid, but I felt better.  I had a new boyfriend ( now husband) and wanted to start fresh.

My family and police detectives know all about my past now, which makes life much easier.  There are no secrets, but I still suffer from paralyzing anxiety. It\'s unknown to me what sets it off, but when I\'m "stuck" I have to force myself out of the house to complete errands or just to get fresh air.  It\'s as though part of me yearns to be joyful and the other is dead.  Activities that usually give me pleasure, like tending to my garden or visiting the farmer\'s market only cause me to panic.  I hate going anywhere alone.  I prefer locking myself in the apartment and listening to music or playing a movie loudly, just to hear voices. The sad thing is that I absolutely hate those fake social days too, yet I fear calling people and find setting up friend dates to be a burden.  I feel overwhelmed by the simplest tasks, especially hobbies I generally.  Instead, when I "don\'t feel well,"  I curl up on the couch and either cry or simply stare blankly until some stroke of motivation hits or my husband returns home. 

I\'m very fortunate to have an understanding and supportive husband.  He\'s not the least bit judgmental and is getting better at reaching out to me before I sink.  I only wish I could talk to the rest of my family without judgment, so that they could provide support to one or both of us.  Though my mom is a nurse and a very supportive person in my life, she\'s made it clear to me that she doesn\'t believe in depression or anxiety as a mental illness.  She thinks depression is an excuse for people to take drugs and be lazy.  I\'ve tried communicating to her that I have had bouts of depression and that I believe I suffer regularly from anxiety issues, but I usually leave conversations feeling worse.  Her influence is part of the reason I have ignored my anxiety for so long.  I\'ve been conditioned just to take a zantac for chest pains and (only since I\'ve been with my partner) talk to my husband about my feelings or lack thereof.  I\'m embarrassed to admit that I suffer from something that I can\'t control, but I\'m here to progress and make some sort of step to a recovery.  

1 Comment
  1. PaxilMan1HoHo 10 years ago

    That\'s too bad that your mom doesn\'t believe, or know about, deperssion. But actually, before I was afflicted I thought the same, that people didn\'t need medication, that it was kind of a lazy cop out. I don\'t think that now.
    But, I think if those closest to us don\'t accept something about us, it\'s very difficult.
    I too feel embarrased about my anxiety. Because of that I don\'t really discuss it with anyone except my wife and one of my sisters.
    Sometimes secrecy can bring power. I do long to have someone to talk to about it, but I also don\'t want people to know because I feel it makes me vulnerable (this may or not be true), but I also know that people can\'t keep a secret secret, sooner or later they\'ll tell someone, so I keep it to myself. But I would tell a counselor or a doctor. For awhile when I went to the doctors office and they asked \”Are you on any medications?\” even though I was on an antidepressant, I wouldn\'t tell them.
    Keep on living. Keep up the effort.
    PaxilMan

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