It's been a little over 2 weeks now that I pulled the tendon that runs from you heel to your knee and I still can't walk without the cane and sometimes not with that.  Granted the pain isn't like it was it is slowly getting better but I'm sick of it.  I already have so much physical pain that this added to it is driving me insane because I can't do much of anything I could do before.  I have to load up on pain killers and wait for them to kick in just to take a shower!

I'm still babysitting the 2 grandkids and the 4yr old is not problem at all but I have the 5 month old too and that's hard.  I have his little chair for him to sit in and his playmat right in front of the rocking chair so I don't have to get up much but I still  have to get up.

My parents aren't doing good at all.  Each time I talk to them you can hear in their voice the weakness and how tired they are and of course they tell me they are doing fine…yeah right.  I haven't seen them for almost 2 weeks now and that hurts me and that's because I can't drive and to get my daughter to drive me is like pulling teeth she always has something else that she has to do like go to the pool.  I would go myself but I don't trust myself driving with my leg in the shape it's in what if my knee gives out on me again I'd be in a wreck and probably live thru it only have more pain. 

Here I sit this morning and both my daughters and grandsons  have gone to the pool to swim and play and here I am in the apt writing this because I'm so depressed and jealous I can't go.  I can't be in the sun long because of meds I take I will burn really easy so I have to stay out of it.  I went to the therapist last week and she tells me I have to get out more….ok didn't she not see I can hardly walk?  I can't drive?  wtf?  I'm sick of myself and everything around me and the situation I'm in and don't know how to or if I will ever feel better, right now I don't think so.  Again right now I'm waiting for the pain pills to take affect so I can shower.

I've needed to vent for several days now so I'm sitting here doing that but it only touches the surface I don't know how to express what is deep inside me only that I wish I wasn't here anymore.  I want my parents to be better my mom is my best friend but that won't happen either and trying to prepare for it well no one can do that it's always painful and unexpected.  When I look at them I know they won't be here long and I start wondering how long, before 4th of July? before labor day?  before thanksgiving? or before xmas?  I've lost 4  family members on xmas so that  holiday is shot for me so if they do go around that time I'll never be able to face xmas again.  But honestly I don't think they will make it till then.  My moms heart is bad and her pace maker is showing all kinds of incidents where it  had to kick in for her to keep her heart going…she's under so much stress worrying about my dad and him worrying about her.  My dads heart is so weak that one upset can cause a heart attack the doctor told us and it will be the last one.  His kidneys are shutting down and there is just nothing more they can do everything they could try would stop his heart…..I feel so many different feelings inside I don't know how to deal with them especially the anger but as far as love I'm numb and that is something the grandkids could always bring out in me until now.  I know I love them dearly but I just can't seem to help how I feel.   To be angry, in pain, depressed is eating me up inside and to love well I just can't show much of it now.  I love those kids with all my heart and I know this and it will never change I just wish I could do more with them to show more how much I do love them but my therapist said they will know. Will they?  Will the little guys still know grandma loves them with all her heart and soul?  I never want them to doubt that for one second so will this numbness go away so I can show it?  Maybe this pain is just overwhelming the rest of me.  I wish the physcial pain would go away and then maybe the depression would ease up some but I'm always in pain from other things so I guess I'm doomed and again wish I wasn't here..


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