Ugh today sucks so much, I think I’m just going to go upstairs and cry until I fall asleep. I’m so depressed and pissed off that I don’t even care that my brother is here and that I’m crying in front of him which is something I very rarely ever do.
So now Dad is going to have control over every cent I make, as I stated in my previous entry. And just a while ago, he called me over to look at my financial aid packages to try and figure out how much I owe so far. I mentioned consolidating my loans, said that my boyfriend and I were planning on it, and his response was, "What do you mean you by you both?"
"I mean that we’re both thinking of trying the same thing."
"So you’re planning on being with him then?"
"Well who goes into a relationship planning on breaking up in a week?…"
"Well I didn’t know you were planning that far ahead, that’s 2 or 3 years down the road."
"So? Anything can happen but we have plans."
"So you plan on consolidating your little loans with his $150,000 worth of loans?"
"Dad, me trying to consolidate my loans as his girlfriend will not have any effect on him and his."
That’s where the conversation ended. That prick is still hoping I dump him after almost two years of dating simply because my Dad is looking at me like I’m some cash cow. He’s not helping me for free, he wants money. He wants security and he knows I’m his safest bet because my brother has no marketable skills or talents and no drive. I’m sick of him being so greedy, so money hungry that he made my Mom get a job when I was 8…she was gone so much that I wound up taking care of my brother while she was away because Dad never cared enough to help. When she first started working, I cried every day. I sat at lunch thinking, "Mom is leaving for work now…I’ll get home and she won’t be there…she’ll be gone…". I hated it.
I know my boyfriend and I have our issues but he’s the only thing I have in life that makes me happy at all, in any way, shape, or form. I’m not giving him up because Dad wants me to make it big so he can take my money and the credit for my success like I’m just some stupid tard he took care of. I’m not dumping him because Dad doesn’t want me leaving the county because it’d mean him losing control of me. If anything, that’s more of a reason for me to leave, to get the hell away from this hole.
I’m not even allowed to choose my own job. Yesterday, I told him that I dislike this Youth Program thing because I’m almost 21 and have had 3 jobs so far so I don’t like being treated like some newb 17 year old. I said that I didn’t plan on doing it again next year and he sighed really loudly like he always does when he’s irritated and thinks you’re an idiot and wants you to know it while shaking his head like I’m a disgrace. I never said, "I’m not working next summer." I very clearly said, "I don’t want to join this program next year." Most parents would be happy that I’m as responsible as I am but not him. He doesn’t actually want me to be an adult. He wants me to be able to function on my own — but only to an extent — because if I become too mature and intelligent, he won’t be able to blackmail me with abandonment anymore.
And really…this is why I’m here. I was "normal" when I was a kid, blissfully ignorant and needy. But I’ve seen a lot and been through a lot because of him. I dislike a lot of things and distrust a lot of people because of his behavior. Going to high school and being abused there too didn’t help. And now I have loads of issues to work through but I can’t get any help at home because my family is too close-minded to support me actually going to therapy. They think — or at least outwardly maintain this belief to protect themselves — that, for starters, therapy is for nuts and, two, I’m not nuts, I’m just looking to blame my problems on them, the poor, innocent little angels. It’s all my fault, all in my head, I’m just looking for a scapegoat.
I wish they’d wake up and be honest with themselves. I wish my Dad would realize how old I am, how far I’ve come, how hard I’ve worked just to continue living like this and give me a bit of freedom. Life seems so grim when you look as hard as you can and see no light, no way out, no hope. My only hope is my boyfriend right now and I know that sounds stupid but I have nothing else to look forward to because my Dad taints it. I can’t say, "I’m in college and will have a great career." because he controls that, too. I can’t say, "I’ll get my first paycheck next week and will be able to go shopping." because for all I know, he could rip me there as well. I keep fighting, keep trying to stand up for myself, and it’s cost me blood, sweat, tears, and money. I’ll keep trying, keep trying to enforce my independence and learn all that I need to know but most of the time, I don’t see myself surviving. I look ahead and think, "This can’t work…something bad is going to happen…"
Unfortunately, my boyfriend isn’t here for me at the moment. He gave up on summer Calc and dropped it because he flunked his first two tests. I feel so bad for him, it breaks my heart. He tried so hard. He put more time and effort into that class than I have into most of mine and still he came up short. It sounded really rough, he was always working. But I’m proud of him for trying.
Anyways, he dropped it and so now he’s picking up more hours at work. I tried to talk to him at about 5:00 but then Dad wanted to run us to the bank so that he could take over the small corner of my life that was truly mine. I tried to IM Alan before I left but then the internet cut out like the piece of shit it is and wouldn’t come back on until 6:30. Then, my Dad called me again and Alan logged online at work to check on me…but I missed him by 8 minutes because I was with my Dad listening to his shit again. Now I probably won’t hear from him for over four more hours and I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m enraged, completely overcome by anger and frustration. It’s so bad that my head is beginning to hurt and I can’t find anything to distract myself with. I’m too irritable to read and I think I’m even too irritable to game or watch TV. I feel like if I were a bomb, I already would have exploded.