I don't want you to think i suffer from depression too…mainly because i dont want another problem tacked onto my life… I feel scared I feel tension in my shoulders and I feel a tickling feeling in my upper abdomen and trouble breathing…I feel like I want to cry…I feel lonely… i feel like my boyfriend is cheating on me…he always wants to go out without me. Most people with anxiety have a fear of going out, while I have a fear of staying in…I can't do it. I need to study. I fear I will fail my exams….I always receive top scores and i scare myself to death before tests…I feel like he doesn't love me because he tells me he won't come over anymore if i don't have sex with him….i'm not allowed to go out with him and his friends to do the fun things they do and I'm not allowed to call him, only he can call me. I'm not allowed to go to his house, he can only come over here. He comes over and acts like he owns the place and wont even let me be the hostess I want to be. He promises me things or asks if i want to do something and then tells me he cant. he calls me names like nerd and i think he has just been picking on me this whole time…I'm scared of him and sad about what has happened between us. I don't have any real friends or anyone to talk to…I don't have any money and fear becoming homeless again. I have a deformed face from acne scarring….i have stretch marks on my breast and I cant receive an orgasm like i used to be able to….i have been extremely tired lately and been sleeping when i should be doing other things….my breasts hurt and i'm on my period…my face is burnt from the sun and from the glycolic acid i wiped all over it to attempt to get rid of my acne scars. My hair isn't long enough, I'm not tan enough, I'm not thin enough, …he is too good for me…he is too cool for me…i don't deserve him…i miss my father who died when i was 15…i don't have anything anymore without him here. I want to discover something…my brain doesn't work on its own, I need to be told something….my door on my car is broken…I need to fill out my unemployment sheet…I don't kknow if ill pass the drug test…i just spelled know wrong…i'm scared of all men….i'm scared of men…i'm scared of men…men scare me…i'm not a lesbian though….i'm scared of what will happen if i don't talk to him when he calls and sit here and wait like his little call girl….i need a man to love me or a woman to be my friend…i need a man who is a friend and a lover and doesn't mention sex….EVER….sex is bad and i'm ashamed of it…i'm ashamed to have sexual thoughts and to want to feel good during sex..i'm mostly ashamed of how i lost my virginity…I was very sick and my boyfriend at the time made me feel like it would make me feel better….he told me it would make me feel better…i thought that i was a virgin too long and it wasnt normal and it was causing me medical issues….so i did it…I was supposed to wait till marriage. he made me afraid when i first met him ..and my boyfriend now made me afraid and i am still afraid of men and i don't want to be…why cant they stop thinking of sex??? why do they want to hurt me and impale me with their body? that is the most violent thing i could ever think of…they want to hurt me…what should I do?…i'm scared, someone help.

1 Comment
  1. cmeyers 12 years ago

    thank you…to your comment about self love… have always had self love…so I do respect and love myself…its just hard to have a sense of right and wrong without friends around…and that is what al the men in my life have done is kept me from getting friends by controlling what i do…I guess i need to stand up for myself and learn to neglect him until he rights his wrongs or if he never does so, then i guess i will try to move on…thing is: i don\'t want a relationship because I\'m too scared the same thing will happen….. thanks blackwings. Any advice on how to behave/ look/ dress/ think so men don\'t treat me badly? I\'ll do anything to get over this…..

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