Of all the times I have felt depressed before, I have never felt like I am feeling now. I feel like my life is crumbling down around me. My boyfriend seems ot have lost interest in me as he's been frequently going out with his friends rather than take me out, just because I currently don't have a job. My parents are losing faith in my academic excellence just because I don't have that many classes this semester and also because I con't have a job. It seems like everyone around me seems to fid some reason or another to be upset with me or to make me cry. I feel like the dwell off the fact that I am in a fragile mental state at the moment yet it seems like they don't care when I become upset. They seem to become angered if I don't cry, and if I do they become angry with me for being upset. It's a very fickle situation and I would very much rather leave my environment. I feel like they are bringing me down by constantly letting me down. They constantly disappoint me and I feel at times like just disappearing, like running away from all of this. This morning I had a thought of after class just leaving a few belongings in my locker at school (I'm in college, but I prefer to have a locker for days when I don't want to carry certain stuff), walking to my house which is 10, 15 minutes away and taking whatever clothes I would need to sustain life elsewhere. The only thing keeping me here is my pitbull puppy, Marina. She cries when I am gone and she is like my little shadow. I couldn't bear leaving her but at the same time I find it hard to leave with her in possession. As pathetic as it sounds, she is the only one who seems to understand when I am upset. The other night when I cried myself to sleep she stayed by my side when she usually gets down to play with her toys or wander about the house. But she stayed with me and licked the tears off my face, gently putting her head down on my hand. It seems like when one person turns their back on me the world has a domino effect and the rest of the people in my life follow suit. In one of my depression bouts, it did not consist of my boyfriend and he knew about it. He told me when I feel like the world is turning it's back on me, to pray and talk to the one person who will never turn his back on me, God. My response to that was that how can I rely on someone I can't even see, someone who can't stand up to those people and tell them that what they are doing is wrong to me? How can I confide in someone who isn't here to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything is going to be alright? I believe strongly in God, but I feel like I would be making things worse because I will feel completely alone. I know it is wrong to believe that and to still believe in God, but I find it completely valid that if I feel like everyone is turning their backs on me the one person I can turn to is not a mortal, someone who will listen to every single word I say and feel what I am feeling, but will not be there to comfort me physically. Sometimes a hug is all I need, a shoulder to cry on, but where I can go if no one will listen? That is why I get thoughts of fleeing, of just moving to some Nowhere town in the middle of Wyoming or Idaho, where absolutely no one will know me and I can live a new life peacefully, away from the people that hurt me the most. I feel so alone and low right now. There is nothing that could lift me from this depression this time, I know there isn't.

1 Comment
  1. jonathannn 15 years ago

    there are some beautiful places in new mexico and west texas with hardly any people yes i know the feeling of wanting to escape it all.

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