i feel like crap.

i cut.

i cried.

i phoned matt.

.

He was pretty much the thing that triggered me to cut.

My step mums been making me feel worthless, and putting me down. she’s really been getting to me. My dads been working away alot.

Feel really alone. & i keep thinking that dispite what i feel for him, matt doesnt feel that way about me,, and that im just there for some fun. A good shag and a comfey bed to sleep in.  thats it. He doesnt seem to think beyond himself. Am i asking to much in expecting him to think of my emoitions? or should i just give up and accept that he has significant male emotions and thinking and therefore cant think beyoned himself, and his own needs?

He said he’d ring me at 12 today. I rang his brother at  1.15 to see if matt was awake. He wasnt. Matt finally rang me, said he’d ring me when he’d sorted out a lift. i rang him at 2.15 and found he’d gone back to sleep. so i went for my shower, and told him to ring me when he was ready. i rang him again at 3.15 & he was like ‘do you want to do something? i’ll see if i can get a lift down to you" [his car is broken] // ive now wasted..,3 hours waiting from him.  I spend on adverage 2-3hours waiting for him. Im sick of it. I feel like i give so much, i change my way of thinking, i give him the benefit of the doubt most of the time, i hand out excuses for this behaviour all the time. I try and make him happy all the time.

I feel like A) im failing at making him happy – becasue he doesnt seem interested in me. B) that he’s just using me bacasue he knows i’ll do stuff for him, and im pretty much a push over alot of the time, [although i try not to be, and im offten make him help me do stuff like cleaning]

I’m terrified of going to Uni, & having to make new friends for a year.

I dont feel like i have any friends that i can go to or phone when im upset and just cry to. i dont feel there is anyone i can just be really honest about my emotions to. I can with Matt when my emotions are positive, but when im down i feel like he doesnt really want to know. and then i feel like im being clingy and emoitional & im going to push him away. Becasue we say we’re ‘seeing each other’ [not going out as such] i feel like i dont ave a right to expect anything of him, im not allowed to ask anything of him, or need him emoitionally, becasue it seems unstable and not for certain and i feel like he could walk away at any moment.

I have to say the one thing  i miss about Aronn is that i could be positive and negative if i wanted. he’d understand and support me for it. I know he has all his other flaws and faults but that was one thing that did really help me.

I need to put some make up on- i have tear stained face, not a good look. should clean my self up before matt & my step mum come home.

 

 

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