I feel like I can't do this anymore. I can't bring myself to clean…or anything. I always have to take a shower after these activites…and I can't shower after every little thing I do.

I'm so afraid of getting "contaminated" and then "contaminating" anything I touch. I can't just keep throwing out things just because they are contaiminated.

I don't know how I cleaned rooms at the hotel, because I can't deal with cleaning my own house.

I mean I plan events around when I will have to go to the bathroom since it takes me 15 mintues on a good day. We can't over to my mother-in-law's in the evening till I've gone to the bathroom, so she won't notice how long it takes me. And the time I spend in the bathroom isn't always all spent washing my hands…

I thought I was making some prograss, but I don't think I am. I don't see how I'm going to get better.

I'm so mentally exhausted. I wish I could go into more details about everything, but I'm so embarssed with how my life has turned out. I wish I never had gotten my last job…I used to be able to take care of my house, till I got that job…now I'm a mess! And I don't have anyone I can really talk to.

I found out that people at work apparently talk to each other about how I wash my hands. Maybe it's innocent, and maybe it not…at least I'm only a temp there and I'll soon be starting my new job. But they will probably talk about me too…so I don't know why I'm excited, other than the fact that I'll be making more money.

Why do I have to be the one to make money so we can make ends meet so we can do other things. I'd rather work part-time, but then we'd never make it. Why does it have to be up to me?

I don't know why I'm bothering to post this. I guess I just need to vent…because I can't tell anyone my real feelings…not even people who would understand, because I'm afraid of being judged.