I really dont know how to start this.. So its 2 a.m. and i'm washing dishes i didnt even dirtied by myself, swiping the floor, repeatedly, these are things i do common this days, but my dad saw me tonight im sure he's noticing how I act. I check things too much, not few of them are horribly unnecessary, like gap of my monitor and shelf, moving files in my folders till theyre 'in the ultimate right place' and it could unwantedly differ by days, but more even worse is the 'all you did was useless' thought i get right after, which disturbs me to hell or find some way to 'undo' them sometimes, this one gets really irrational.. i also wash hands too much, although i dont get the idea of 'germs', instead i consider it 'dirty' i go back and forth kitchen to wash it, without thinking about it,most of times it is senseless. There are parts of my room where i can use regularly, and the other not, the no-go part is where i put the things i cant handle right now.. in the way of organization. i align and organize too irrational. i recently started to count my movements, which i didnt really do in my early days despite of having an ocd. i have obsession with odd numbers, and, very little things, such as scratching, using things from my no-go part of room, kinds of things in my bag, can be trigger to my ocd. I cannot list everything, theyre too many, and not few of my compulsions are way shameful to say.. I also found out that im more likely to be disturbed by this thoughts when trying hard to be not anxious or after purging foods i shouldnt eat. recently i became more clever in some way, i dont know, there are always idea and thoughts in my head, well this i can say that theyre not too useless, but i can notice how my mind is sooo far away, i started to break things accidentally which i rarely did before, sometimes forget to listen when someone speaks to me, losing interest in paying attention to something, because of my.. clever thoughts. But once my Ocd mode is triggered by some random thing, it bothers me like 50%of my head would be thinking about it until 'gets done'. I hate it so much, so much, also all the anxiety, i cant just do the things i want, or should, because i feel like its a Need to do the compulsions. everyone is already thinking that im weird, mostly my parents, i tried to explain way back before about me having ocd but my mom considers this a crap of modernity and my dad doesnt even think that it exists. i dont know what to do anymore, maybe I should consider my self mentally ill so i can cure my self?? i dont know.. IM REALLY SORRY for posting such useless words, its just i have to let it all out but i dont know other way to.. Im Sorry

3 Comments
  1. rainingoctober 9 years ago

    These words aren't useless! Hopefully they will help you to start venting and letting out some of the feelings you have because of your OCD. Are you able to talk to your parents about it? To get a therapist maybe?

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  2. Riku 9 years ago

    Thank you. ive told no one about this in actual. ive tried to tell my parents before but they wont take what i say seriously, and i can imagine, to tell them about therapist, they would laugh at it..

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  3. Riku 9 years ago

    thank you, yes, i think i should do something because this is getting pretty serious, im still at school but yes maybe i'll try finding a way to, im wondering where or in what ways i could get councelling/theraphy? right now i'm trying hard to find a way or thought which works for me to stop having ocd, i hope i could..

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