Right now I am scared for my safety, I am sat thinking about the meds that are in the cupboard just waiting. I really need to take some painkillers because I collapsed and fell at work yesterday and now I am so sore. Concrete floors just DONT give. ouch.
I had such a confronting night shift at work that ended in tears and anger and I have spent nearly an hour talking to a life line worker overnight, while that got me into bed to rest, sleep did not come for several sobbing sessions later.
Just now I have spoken to my bestie for over an hour, and several tears have been shed yet again. We have laughed, and I have cried, and yet while nothing has changed nor been solved, I do feel a tiny bit brighter just knowing she cares.
I feel so confused about my purpose here on this world and my worthiness to be in it. I know I am a good person and a great friend, And if I may say so and fantastic nurse, yet in the self image and self respect section of my life I fail miserably. To say I dislike myself immensely would be accurate.
At times I just want to die and leave it all to the movers and shakers of the universe. I don't have the energy nor will to fight myself or my head or anyone else anymore. my world has been taken from me. I don't fit in here. Most of the time I don't want to.
I love my family, I love my home which is thanks to my sister as it is her investment house I rent. I hate the unfriendly and sometimes bullying atmosphere at work from the certain few. I can't say too much about it as it (the place I work) is my sister's baby. she has worked there and is now the big boss over the whole aged care section for over 30 years. And as a result she loves the place and every one of the staff. I have told her of my feelings about the few but I am just dismissed as they are her friends. while I have been living in another state for over twenty years and they are closer to her than me.
I dont know why I let those certain few get to me so much when the majority of the staff, and all of the patients that I look after are lovely people. I am so weak and paranoid and I often think soft in the head. I need to get mentally stronger but don't know how. How do I not let them get me to this point that I am scared for my own safety. I am an adult. I should not be this weak. but I am.
It's been two days and yet still I sit here worrying, crying and stewing over this. Get a grip. I tell myself. I have so much to do and so little time to do it. Yet Im falling apart over this stupid petty irrational problem, I am dwelling instead of reasoning it out with myself. I am rambling in my head and on here. GET UP AND MOVE….
I know that when I do I will feel so much better. No I wont Im telling myself. The problem is still there. Im just putting it off and changing my direction of thought for a while. I could put myself back to bed and just waste my days off like I do most of the time. That also does not solve anything.
WHAT DO I DO. hence the reason for my fear of the cupboard.