I have learned that OCD is very clever and that is why often it takes the thing that means the most to us and therefore would worry us the most, and makes that our biggest fear. It’s why I worry that I’m going to harm my family, because my family means the world to me. And it’s why I worry about harming children, because I love working with children and have planned my career around it. So I know that.

But is OCD also clever in the sense that it knows what will upset you most and turns that into one of your obsessions? I have PTSD, due to a sexual assault several years ago. and for the most part, recently it’s been under control thank goodness. But the moment I found out that the only potential person out there to treat me with CBT is a man, I’ve been in great distress. I haven’t been able to realize why and attributed it to just worrying because I, like many women, feel more comfortable with a women than a man. But tonight I realized that it’s because OCD is using my history of being hurt by a man against me. It’s tormenting me, sending images into my brain of my assault back into my head, sending images into my brain of this new doctor (who I don’t even know yet) assaulting me, it just won’t stop

And then I thought about how I wanted to tell my friend this, but OCD is so strong right now that it is sending me back into my obsessive cycling and so I’m thinking if I tell my friend this then she’ll think I’m too messed up and then she’ll desert me like others have done in the past and then I have to compulsively check well maybe she wouldn’t no yes she would, no she wouldn’t yes she would, why why why oh because because because because

And I can’t stop cycling or obsessing or freaking and OCD won’t shut up and I need it to be Wednesday for my meds appointment because I am just doing so poorly and I’m so upset that it’s taken this long to have this meds appointment and I’m so scared and overwhelmed and have never felt so alone and can’t stop crying and need to be studying and then that makes me obsess more because I need to be studying but I can’t because I’m freaking out and can’t calm down and have no appetite and I"M FREAKING OUT