Yesterday I wrote about me going back to work, I was so excited to even think about it.  Today when I woke up, completely different story.  I did get an email back from the human resource manager with the available openings and a friendly note saying "come on home kim" .  and that's when i freaked.  I have been anxiety riden almost this whole weekend and now today too.  I don't know when or if ever I will be able to go back to work.  And along with that fear comes, what the hell am I doing with my life and how am I going to make money?  Sell drugs? no Prositution? hell no Stripping? well maybe…ha…no. I don't have a clue as to where to go from here.  This is such a debilitating illness.  How do people who can't work due to their depression and anxiety disorder go about their lives.  I have been able to work up until October and then I had some money saved, but that money has run dry and now I feel like I am stuck.  I NEED my independence back.  I know that or sure.  Not only does living with my parents add more stress and anxiety but I am feeling like it is going to ruin the close relationship I once had with my mother.  My father and I have never been close.  They absolutely don't understand this disorder, but atleast my mother tries.  She even has come to counseling with me.  Dad screams at me while I have a panic attack trying to make me tell him whats wrong! I just want to strangle him and tell him to f@ck off and let me calm down.  I am sitting there hyperventalating, crying, can't talk, shaking, and he wants to chat? WTF!? ahhh…I need out.  I need resources. And mostly I need to find an income!

3 Comments
  1. toastee 12 years ago

    I am reading this anxiety book that is very helpful and has lots of real-life examples of patients and situations.  I just went back to work as well after a two moth lay off.  I was really anxous as well.

    Carry your "comfort" stuff with you and just go back to work…It will be hard and thats a simple thing to say, but once you face it, the easier it becomes.  (It took me a few weeks and I am still getting used to the drive in traffic.)  A comforting thought to me was no matter what happened they couldnt descriminate on me because of my anxiety by law.

    You are capable of doing this and succeeding, I did it without any meds on me or in my system, you can succeed as well.  Just try to think positively and dont let "anticipation" anxiety defeat you.   The worst that can ever happen is u will hypervetalate and pass out..carry a plastic bag to breathe in with u where ever u go..it helps u feel more secure.

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  2. Babpsi 12 years ago

    Kiki~

    Sweetie you should definitely try and attempt to go to work even part time or a few hours a day….U will feel so good that you got through it. It will be hard at first and its okay to feel fear and anxiety its totally normal. Plus you will have your own income and a sense of independence…..I am sure it’s so much easier said than done…. Just take baby steps, like see if they will offer you a few hours a day until you can manage more hours and/or days…….we are here for u girlfriend 🙂

    Keep us posted K

    Babpsi~

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  3. nickas 12 years ago

    It's hard when you have so many mixed feelings at once. One minute your on top of the world and can cope with working and the general day to day commitments life offers. Then all of a sudden, you fear having to work, socialise, and depend on our parents for help, even when they don't completely understand. And your right, it is a cruel illness that far too many people suffer from. I'm sorry i dont have any advice to give you as i am also going through the same issues, but just know that your not alone and feel free to drop me a line if you have a question. I'll try to answer any questions, but i 2 do not know what to do.

    Good luck. 

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