For the moment, im very ok, very just, calm and ok. but overall, im broken. i forgot who i am. music has been gone for some time now, as i obsess over what if i dont understand the lyrics, and can never stop, so i dont enjoy it, i jus tobsess and it feels like i dont understand it even though i do. despite this, i listen to it anyway but it makes me angry and upsets me. everythings beginning to feel wrong to me, and just i dont know how to explain it other than its wrong. my gf felt like this when i thought about her, and the past couple days, in this way, i was worried it was taking my gf from me, because it felt like she wasnt even her and she was gone. my biggest fear ever was that this would be permanent, and iv elearned that thaat is what i am most afraid of in all my ocd obsessions. im known to personify my ocd, refer to it as a seperate entity with qualities, and my response to this fact is, hell yea i do, cuz this bastard is not part of me, nor will it ever be. anyways, i think ive gotten over the girlfriend obsession, but ocd is intertwined with my every thought basically, and i cant handle it. im ok right now, like i said, but the past couple nights ive had an overwhelming urge to die, and more than jus tthe past couple nights, its been like that for a long time now. im literally living because my family and friends and now gf need me, i dont live for myself. and i dont wanna live because i have to, i wanna live because i want to. but there is no point in my life as even if i grow up, get an education, a job, i will be miserable with this thing in my life. and i will enver be truly happy. so thats about it for the moment, im managing, not well at all, but im here. and ive been praying specifically for my ex, if she happens to read this, and saying that triggers my ocd to worry what if that means i still have feelings for her, which i dont, but i still do care what happens to her. my point is in posting that i just risked losing my gf to my mind, and i dont wanna lose her, i love her now not my ex anymore, i really shouldnt have said anything but i did cuz its important my ex knows someone still cares about her, not in the same way as before but still if you read this you cant die yet, not yet. anyways i just created a new obsession for me, great. all this bullshit in my head makes me wanna hur tmyself but i wont, i just want to be with my gf and to never ever have to deal with ocd again, but that will never happen.

2 Comments
  1. Mentally_Scorn 7 years ago

    right now im really confused, i lost my sense of self, my funny personality, and i cant listen to music to cope. i cant do anything but sit here in the presence of anxiety and overwhelming thoughts and confusion. im really tired and havent slept yet, but long story short im ok but im done with life for real i cant keep this up ive been doing this too long. 🙁

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  2. Mentally_Scorn 7 years ago

    Um, I think I still am improving, its just it doesnt seem like it in the midst of things, and my ocd gets worse in the winter so its probably that, like I said im ok i'm just missing what I used to be, and even though theyre improving, theyre not improving drastically, just a little bit, which is good i guess, but I just miss who I am, the real me buried under the ocd shell.

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