So, I am going to start off by saying that this will have a lot of death in it.
In 1999, my grandfather, the only one left, died from lung cancer. Broke me into pieces. I was 16, the youngest grandchild, and the first out of my mom, two brothers and me to know that he had died. I answered the phone. He was the rock that held this family together. As years we by, two uncles passed, two of my aunts died, friends died, my best friend died of colon cancer (broke my heart even more into piece). October of this past year my favorite uncle passed. He was in hospice when I went to see him. He couldn’t talk, he was so helpless. I had a panic attack in the bathroom and my wife had to calm me down. Two days later, he died. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. I cried at his memorial. I cried for days after. In April of this year his brother, my grandpa’s son, my mom’s brother, my other uncle died. I did not cry, it was like I have already cried every tear I had on passings before him. A couple days after his funeral, which I didn’t go to because in my heart and my mind, I could not be at another funeral, on the way back from the mall with my wife, I asked her if we could go see him at the cemetery. This cemetery has my grandpa, grandma (died before I was born), one of my uncles on my dad’s side and now the one that I did not cry over. In between my grandpa and grandma, my aunt put some of her husband ashes there because that is were he wanted apart of him at. Then a couple of plots next to my grandpa, my uncle who recently passed. I cried. Why couldn’t I cry before, why couldn’t I go to the funeral, why did I only cry when I got there? Is it because I am heartless or have I cried all the tears I had to cry for now?
Any thoughts?
My friend, you are NOT heartless. You are so far from it. Grief has a way of affecting us sometimes….Everyone’s different and there is no set right or wrong. OK? Trust me when i say i get it–all the death and pain that accumulates and has no real way out, so you either suck it up and keep going, or water a garden with the tears. The point is: YOU are grieving–and it’s healthy to do so.
{Msg me, if/when you wanna talk–you know how that goes.}
Personally, i’ve had my own struggles with grief, so my counselor and i had just started touching on the subject, before she moved. But, i’m not finished. It will be dealt with–somehow.
Here’s a similar list, if you will:
when i was very young, there were great-uncles and aunts that died, but the first ones to really hit me were my grandfather, when i was 7 and on the other side, my grandmother, the following year; a few years later, one of my cousins died; a few more short years and my mom died, when i was 13; then a brief reprieve from the close-proximity-deaths—most of the ones who died in the interim were distant relatives; and then, when i was 18, my dad and my other cousin (the other’s brother); i lost three babies, then again, another gap, before losing my grandmother; an uncle on each side of the family; and then, the death of my daughter last year.
Somehow, we have to find a reason to hang onto life–to keep pushing forward, even when we wanna quit. That doesn’t come easy, but i will tell ya that i appreciate YOU. ***hugs***
Delane1,
Thank you for that. It just seems that everyone thinks that I am heartless because of this. I sit and wonder if I am a bad person because of it. I then realize that I am human and in my heart there was too much death. I can’t sit here and think or believe that everything is okay when people in my family drop like flies. It is like there is a brick wall around my heart and I will not allow myself to feel.
Not heartless at all. Sometimes when life gives us too much shit in a short amount of time we shut down and don’t react. Don’t feel bad. It happens to a lot of us. Take care and Im’ sorry for your losses.
Thank you. Some times it just makes me feel like I am bad person because of not being able to express how I feel or to allow myself to feel. Not sure which one is the truth.