can't sleep. i'm not exactly angry but can't think of a word for how i feel. unsettled and uncomfortable would be the option if it was there. i can't stand life, it really just isn't fair. i would think this was hell if it wasn't for the happy people running around. how can people be so happy in the same place as people who are so sad. i have completely and utterly ran out of self esteem and worth. it's not fun. i think i'v only felt fun about twice in my life. i'm starting to think in my whole life i'm never going to fall in love, and i'm not open to it anyway. when i think of love and people wanting to be with me i feel hate, i just feel like love's selfish and then i start to feel selfish. i'm really confused. religion confuses me the most. i don't know whether to be religious or not and i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i don't know if i'm doing it all wrong or not. i need a parental figure even though i'm an adult, but i don't because they talk sh**. i feel like everyone in the entire world only says things for themself. maybe it's not such a bad thing because as long as ourselves are aiming for positive goals then you'd think we're only gonna make others feel better to get to our goals but it's not always like that. sometimes the nicest person who everyone loves can just hate you for no reason or they can be jelous of you and really bring you down.
so what is it? is it evolotion; the strongest and most adaptable survives and you've got to evolve out of this.. or is it religion/ karma; you do good and you go to heaven? what if theres no such thing as heaven and you just disintigrate into the ground and your soul into the blackness of nothing, maybe that's true and because we're humans and we're so intelligently sensetive that we can't mentally take that idea as the future for us so we have to imagine/ create the whole idea of heaven to stay stable. i don't want to fade into the soil and nothingness, but i don't like here. what can you do? i really do beilive the human race has become to intelligent for it's own good. our brains have evolved too much to be able to really survive. we feed but that's it- we don't actually live. well thats what i believe depression is anyway. depression is being mentally ready to die before your body is. you know you have nothing else to live for but your trapped in a prison and have to wait it out. i was 3 when i first thought about not existing. i was in nursery and couldnt stand it because i was so isolated and scared. we went to the pond and everyone thought it was great, and i started to realise i just diddn't feel happy and it was bothering me. i realised that i was just frustrated standing there and being there in general, being anywhere i felt like that. it was so much effort just to stand there and not cry and i thought what's the point. i just wished i wasn't there. i think i imagined not existing there and it made me feel better. it calmed me down and stopped a panick attack. i know thats a really simple thing to feel but something isn't normal. thank you to anyone who read this whole thing. i just don't know what to do. i'm starting to feel like i'm pressured by god and the world to save it in some way, like maybe that was my point in existing and why it's only been hard. i'm starting to feel like god's watching me all the time and critisizing what i do and think, like i've got to be perfect, but what if your not? what if your absolotely rubbish in every way, you can't and don't want to do anything? even though you need to at the same time. i'm just lost. i'm paranoid that Karma is going to punish me for not doing whatever it is i'm supposed to do for god or whatever. but what if i've just made up this whole purpose in life thing to make myself feel needed, because i'm not needed at all and that would make me too insecure to function? my mind is always more intelligent than me. that's why i can't trust myself to make any decisions whatsoever and it drives me insane. this is what happenes in isolation, you attack yourself. your body mind and spirit split up into three different characters for company and attack eachother, because they must to learn. you have to keep moving to survive or you die, mentally aswell as physically. you must keep learning or you die. but where do i turn and how do i know if it's right? i'm a prisoner in my own head.