Back once again… for a few days I figured I just had a random bad night and I was over it. But I’m back again and this time I have singled out my catalyst. She is both my greatest high and lowest low. She is my life and my death… possibly I’m just not cut out for love. I believe I love too deeply, too intensely. Some may say this ridiculous, but many might agree. I don’t know anymore what to beleive.
     It gets to the point where I doubt myself, my choices and even who I am. She’s tearing me apart… I haven’t been here in a long time. Haven’t loved someone this intensely in years. Figured I’d grown out of this do or die, knife edged love. It’s such a childish pursuit, that and/or I just can’t handle things. She dissapears for a few hours and I freak. I try to convince myself it’s okay, that my reaction isn’t ridiculous. She gets a bunch of calls from her ex and says she doesn’t pick up. Says shes fuming mad. I say what I can to bring comfort, minutes later she vanishes… is she hurt? Did she sercret pick up the phone and agree to go see him? Why can’t I just end my existence and stop all this anxiety.. this anxious act of holding my breath till life or death.
     I’m on an edge and I don’t know what to do. Everything says to walk away… but hope and hate tell me to jump. I hope this love is true and won’t fail me like so many others… this love is SO much more intense and deep than any love I’ve ever felt, which means it can destroy me more than ever before. I hope if I jump she’ll lend me her wings and save me… and I hate this so much that I want to jump so if she doesn’t catch me this all ends for good.
     It’s a catastrophe of emotions, mixed thoughts. The realist in me and the dying optimist. Proof that my insanity is reaching new heights. I’m fading into myself again, losing all I am to this. I’m almost defined by pain in these moments. Ripping myself to pieces to try to figure out the infectious disease hidden within my heart. This pain is all I have, it’s what I am. I’m tired of living breath to breath, the cold and the hot. The pleasure and the pain. The sickening of my heart and the contaigous plague of my soul.
    If there is a god. Any form of superior being which can affect my life in any way, shape, or form. I beg, plead and request with all humility and desperation… let her be mine, or let me die. I do not care which, just let this torment come to a end soon. I don’t care anymore what happens… I just need an end to this… I need a break in the pain.
 

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