My best friend since I got sober was a 20 year old kid with 2 years sobriety. He had tons of social phobias, and he was always overanalizing every move anyone made, but he had some time, and cared alot. Then yesterday night I got a call from him telling me to go to hell. He told me I was the most manipulative person he had ever met, that he couldn't beleive the things he's done because of me, and that I should go to hell. What he didn't do was tell me what these things were. He was basing his anger off of shit talking that was happening between two mutual friends of ours, one who I live with. And because my roommate and I are close, he decided I had something to do with the whole thing. He will not answer my calls, he will not tell me why after seven months with out any fighting between him and I, I've become the devil. He will not do anything but lob insults and curse. Part of me wants to give up on him, the addict brain is telling me that if he is going to call me manipulative and destructive then I should show him how bad I can be, and part of me is refusing to let go. I worry about him. He turned twenty one three days ago. He fired his sponsor, he told three of his sober buddies to fuck off, he is out of his after care program, and if This was about something I had done, I think that the least I could get from him was some actual events to back up the things he is saying. I'm scared. I don't know what the next right thing to do is. I'm having trouble pinning my sponsor down to talk. I'm scared that what he thinks about me is true. That I'm so messed up I don't even see it. I feel sick.

3 Comments
  1. Suzy_Kabloozy 15 years ago

    I agree with Shellbell. I have seen it happen a lot where people find fault with people in the program and then use that as an excuse to stop going to meeting and then slowly (or sometimes not even slowly) they push each part of the recovery out of their program. It has nothing to do with you.

    The part where you want to lash out is just ego. It sucks when people don't like us or treat us the way we want them to. I guarantee you won't feel any better if you did “show him” what you are capable of. And I wouldn't worry too much about what others think or that you're too messed up and don't even see it. For one, you are [i]powerless[/i] over what other people think, correct or not. We all still have some issues. Heck, some of us still have SUBSCRIPTIONS! It looks to me like you're trying to find a solution right now. You're reaching out. Hey, you might not be where you want to be yet, but you're sure not where you used to be. It's progression, not perfection.

    Hope this makes sense … I shouldn't be allowed on the computer pre-coffee. Yep, coffee. That's [i]my[/i] next indicated action!

    Hope this works out for you and you have a nice weekend.

    ~Suzy

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  2. Chadwickian 15 years ago

    Pray for him!

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  3. LISA 15 years ago

    When you dwell in stillness, the judging mind can come through like a foghorn. I don't like this pain in my knee….This is boring…. I like this feeling of stillmness. I had a good day yesterday, but today sucks….It's not working for me. I'm no good at this or to quote you, “AM I THAT EVIL?” I'm no good, period can be the end results. This type of thinking dominates the mind and weighs it down. It's like carrying around a suitcase full of rocks on your head. It feels good to put it down. Imagine how it might feel to suspend all your judging and instead to let each moment be just as it is , without attempting to evaluate it as “good” or “bad.” This would be a true stillness, a true liberation.
    I paraphrased and through in a few of my own thoughts from ” Wherever You Go there You Are.” I felt it was referring to what we call “the committe” in recovery.
    The committee was working over time for you in this situation. The other word that comes to mind, is shame. You know, that nasty ucky stuff we have been told over and over again and we tend to enternalize it until we believe it and it keeps us crippled.
    Anyway…STOP IT!!!! And I say that with much love.You are beating yourself with a wet noodle.

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