Today was the usual shit different day at work. Only that phrase is an everyday occurance now. Last night I did a bunch of research on different careers that caught my interest. Tonight I told my husband about my research, every job I talked about he pointed out all the negatives & said each one would be worse than my current job. Then when I was venting about work he made a comment during my venting “You hate it when it’s slow at work, & then you don’t like it when it’s busy.”

That was one of the things I mentioned during my venting, & it got me thinking… Am I my own problem at work? Is my anxiety & overthinking just getting the best of me & just getting worse? Am I just flat out crazy? Can I not handle any kind of job? Am I a failure? Will I never be satisfied with whatever job I work at?

I’ve been so up & down throughout the years with my current job & looked into different jobs. But my mind has me convinced this time is different. In the past I’ve only done quick looks. Not really looked in depth about the jobs. When I vent to my husband majority of the time he has a different opinion, or says “You really need to talk to your therapist.” We both love each other & understand how both our minds work, but my anxiety is getting the best of me.

I am very work focused. Most of my days, even weekends, I am thinking & talk about work. It’s hard for me to just look at my job as a job. I want to feel like I am successful at my job, being a positive influence, helpful, putting my best effort into my job & enjoy my job, but I haven’t been feeling that way for a while now… My bosses (AKA my parents) tell me that I’m doing a great job one week, then the next week it’s passive negative comments & then when I ask them about how I’m doing at my job they tell me “It’s just fine. You’re doing good.”

Have you ever felt different vibes off of people?

I don’t know if it’s my overthinking & anxiety that gets me, but my parents say one thing, but I can just sense that my mom & co-workers see it differently. I feel like I’m “the nerd” at the office. We’re open to the public 9-3:30, but we’re still working 8-5. That 1st hour in the morning & between 3:30-5. No one responds to what I say, dead silence, or I’m just straight up ignored, but during those public hours guess who is being asked for help left & right & being dragged all over the office, figuring out difficult situations all while customers are getting frustrated with waiting, frustrated with their situation, & all staring at me since sometimes all 4 of my co-workers need my assistance all at the same time… Yeah, me.

My mom likes to be the likable one too, so if I suggest actually following the handbook that my parents told me to make for their businesses my mom turns away from it. I suggest implementing a different way to keep track of work hours, they don’t do anything, but will complain. Those are just a couple examples. I could keep going on for a while with different issues my parents want to fix. Also stuff they want to enforce, but do they actually do it? No. After the 1st shelter in place order my relationship with my parents has changed & that’s effected our work relationship. Since we are a smaller business sometimes we go more into detail about our personal lives, so who knows what my mom vents about to my co-workers when I’m not around.

My self-esteem is low right now… My anxiety is high… Overthinking & indecisiveness has taken over my mind. Stupid zoom therapy meetings are always so choppy with video & sound… I feel so guilty for even thinking all of these things. Guilty for feeling this way about my job. Guilty about how my mind works. I’m so tired of feeling like this. I’m so frustrated with myself. I just want to be fucken normal. I wish I would’ve been honest back in highschool about my anxiety & depression instead of bundling it all in. It would be so much easier to calm myself down now if I would’ve done that in the past. Out of habit I bundle up all my emotions & negative thoughts, cry about them to myself, isolate myself & don’t be honest with anyone, but now a days I open up to my husband about my thoughts & how I feel… But I still feel so stupid, gulity, & irriated at myself.

I just feel like I should give up. Somehow work from home or claim that I’m crazy & cannot work. I just don’t know what else to do with a career. I can never make myself happy. I’m just selfish I guess… IDK! Gonna try and get some sleep. At least I have the day off tomorrow & have a therapy appointments. Lets hope this therapy appointment isn’t so choppy & I can’t even understand or hear my therapist.