I apologize for this, I know it's unnecessary, but I've gotten into a rut again and I need some more help.
No L'oreal jokes, please. 😉
The question I need to know is quite simply, Am I worth it?
I've told myself countless times how worthless I am, how much I hate the way things are in the world and how powerless I feel. My opinion has gotten me in trouble numerous times, and whenever I feel like I've offended someone I hide what I said, despite the damage being done.
I'm at the point where I just don't think I'm allowed to have an opinion on anything anymore. It's like one of the Buddhist practices I read about, that you 'detach yourself from your surroundings', that you 'let go'. It's part of trying to find a sense of balance, you have no opinion.
Sitting in church today, I had many thoughts and feelings about who I am, and I actually considered how much better the world would be without me. I just don't see the point of being a good person anymore, or rather, despite trying to do good things, I feel like they go unnoticed and my faults and defects are seen at a much greater scale. So why do I even bother trying to be a good person when people are going to continue to take advantage of me and then ridicule me for not being more selfish? Why is it wrong for me to be myself instead of a greedy, selfish, violent person like the world wants me to be?
I don't see myself as anyone of worth, I see myself as a pawn, an expendable human being.
So am I worth anything? Is there any value in trying to be a good person? Or am I just a waste of a life?