So I have come to the conclusion that I will be taking this journey to wellness alone. I am finding it difficult to find a strong support group. Yes some of my friends and family listen but dont really understand or want to deal with anything that doesnt have to do with their own world. I get… it happens to me too. I accept that. I just really need to get a grip on myself and try to get out of this darkness I have fallen into again. I've been in it deeper and have come out… I can do it again. I just have to really dig deep and address alot of these issues that still keep me linked to the dark side. My kids need me and I need to be present. I dissasociate sometimes just so I wont be this angry horrible person. I cant keep doing that. I need to acknowledge and deal with those things. It sucks not having medical insurance. I found this awesome therapist who I had to stop seeing due to lack of insurance. I hope to be able to go back to her again at some point. For now I am here. will pour my soul out because i just cant keep all this stuff inside me. I want to get better. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I actually started to work out again. Its only been a few days but I thats a start. Its been since June/july since i set foot in the gym. My health has declined a bit and i gaing 10 lbs over the summer which Im obviously no happy about. I feel like Im hiding behind the weight sometimes. It has come to my attention more now that I started dating. People can be so mean and judgemental. I like to think that I carry myself well… at least i try. I just want someone to see me for who I am and what I have to offer instead of what I look like physically. The guy I am seeing seems to be that person. Only time will tell. Luckily right now he is working alot because of the holidays coming up. I really dont want him to see me in this state. He has enough to worry about. Right now this “distance” is what we both need. We stay in touch and its good. A “distraction” from the everyday. If we make it through the holidays then that is gona say alot. If it doesnt work out then it doesnt work out. I'll be dissapointed but not like it would be the first time. Its the way it goes in the dating game I've come to find out.For now I must keep my head above water and work on getting all this weight off my sould. I must forgive and stop punishing myself for thing I didnt do or did for that matter. I deserve to be happy. My whole life has been full or drama and turmoil…. I think i've paid my dues and deserve some fucking peace for once in my life. You get so used to the chaos that it becomes the norm. I'm so used to it i almost expect it. Thats just no way to live. I was listening to the above song and was like fuck man that is so my life. I dont want it to be though. I want to be happy and expect the good things in life. Not always be negative and expect the worst. I think thats why i have such problems with dating. i expect to be dissapointed or as soon as someone does something I get all paranoid and am done. Or just end up pushing people away. Meh! That is not a priority for me just an example. But all this crap is affecting all aspects of my life. i'm miserable at home, work, everywhere. Not a way to live at all. We'll see how we go. “It can't rain all the time…..”

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