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I think I’m ready to move forward. Thinking about it makes me feel nauseous and frightened, but I’m sick of sitting where I still am waiting for the life-fairy to tap me on the shoulder and hand me something worth having. Don’t get me wrong, this way of thinking has only lasted one day and may not make it much longer as it IS me and I tend to fall back on hard habits. But I’m going to try. I’m sick of being miserable all the time. I’m sick of thinking these horrible things about myself and everyone else. I’m sick of looking in the mirror and just the sight of my own body making me was to cut. I’m sick of being tied to the past.

I want to change; I want to move forward with my life. But it’s so scary to even think about. Even little things like not eating the same foods seems like a change in my routine and hence a deviation from what’s “safe”. I’m afraid that coming out of my shell of antipathy with break me. I’m afraid I’ll find someone to cling to and hold so tight I’ll suffocate them. I don’t want to repeat the patterns anymore.

We all know wanting and doing are two different things entirely. Will I MAKE the changes? Will I keep to them and stick to my guns? I’m not sure. I’m trying.

My struggle tonight is a simple one. I want to drink. I want to drink really, really badly. I want to get so drunk that even the bad thoughts and all the horrible things I imagine seem hazy and harmless. To a “normal” person this would seem like an easy battle. To most people (even a lot on here) this seems like a silly thing to describe as an epic battle to the death. For me, starting to give in means caving all together to the few changes I have made and stuck to.

Something tells me that changing myself is going to be an uphill battle with no one to help me as my big achievements to me, are nothing to other people. Because people don’t like me in general. Because I’m not “special” to anyone. Because everyone has better things/people to worry about. I’m not ok with this, but I will try.

1 Comment
  1. Love_Shines 8 years ago

    I know you can do it, Rachel.  Who knows how long it will take for any of us to work through our issues but I know you can do it in time.  We know each other well enough to know we both have similar issues in some areas so I get a lot of it and I always have your back.  Granted I know you have to do it on your own, but I'll be support.  I'll cheer for you, just don't expect me to dress up as a cheerleader.  Love you.

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