so i've had a rough past couple of weeks and i want to seriously apologize if any of you have sent me a message or left me a comment and i haven't yet gotten around to responding. i don't try to ignore people, but i do tend to shut myself off at certain points when i feel too overwhelmed. i don't answer my phone, i don't respond to e-mails, etc. this puts a strain on all relationships i have with everyone. i go to work, i hide in the bathroom and call my mom when i feel like i can't breathe and the chest pains come on, i come home, i eat, i sit in my room, i write because i feel like i fuck everything up when i try to talk, i attempt to sleep, i never remember my dreams and when i do they haunt me, repeat.

why does it seem like when i'm finally starting to make progress i start to backslide? i crawl back into my safe zone with my tail tucked between my legs and my safe zone is a miserable and lonely cave. this is surely not the way i want to live my life. too afraid to go out, too uncomfortable to be around people, even the people i care about. always worrying about myself, my irrational fears and my obsessions. i am so afraid of everything that i am unwilling to make sacrifices, so i am selfish. all of these fears, these anxieties have turned me into a selfish person. i always said that i would do anything for the mere thought of love, but what i've come to realize is that even love itself no longer seems to be enough to conquer my demons anymore and this, this crushes me. i know i somehow possess the tools to overcome all of this, i'm just unsure of where to find them and how to use them.

i had plans to take a trip. plans have changed, because even the thought of getting on an airplane sent me into a dizzying spell of panic and i cried hysterically and threw up. thankfully the person i was supposed to go see is coming to see me instead and even though this has greatly eased my anxiety, it has not eased the fact that i am devastatingly disappointed in myself. i also know that in a way i have disappointed him and i'm sure he's questioning if i'll ever be able to actually get on an airplane to go see him, because if not.. how will this ever work?

as excited as i am for him to come here, i'm almost equally as stressed out. it will be easier for him here, because he also has friends here. when my best friend of six years found out i had started talking to this guy she got furious and hasn't really talked to me since. when he called her to tell her he liked me you'd think she'd be happy for us because she's friends with both of us, but she told him she didn't want him talking to me. i'm not really sure why, because she's had the same boyfriend for three and a half years, so maybe this is just a weird case of jealousy, but the whole situation really hurts me. the guy i'm seeing is also friends with her, her boyfriend and her roommate and i'm sure at some point while he's here he's going to want to hang out with them. i really don't know what that situation will be like, but i predict a forecast of major anxiety with showers of awkwardness. i'm unsure of how to handle this situation. do i attempt to contact her and let her know that he'll be in town and see if we can settle this? to be fair, she's been quite the queen bitch and hasn't acted like a friend towards me at all. she's been acting like a selfish child, but i want this visit to be fun and not filled with drama, so i'm trying to go about this the right way. i just don't know what the right way is.

so my boyfriend, or whatever he is at this point, will be here november sixth and like i said, i'm excited as all hell, but the closer it gets to then the more stressed and nervous i get.

why can't things just be good and easy for once? dammit.

advice would be appreciated.