There I was with a newish baby, a husband who’s been home from Iraq almost a year, a new house, just had a miscarriage and I go to my family dr. for chest pains. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you have OCD??? You’ve wasted my time. People like you never follow up!”  

I sat there with tears on my cheeks wanting so badly to smack him and run out. I didn’t though. I sat there like a lady and took it. Then something snapped as I walked out. He’s an old man. He is a cruel old man and I would find a dr who believed I was having chest pains. 

On that day I joined the OCD Tribe. For the first time in ever, I felt normal. Next day I found my dr. Haven’t looked back. Turns out I did have a heart problem. A severe potassium deficiency. Caused from years of off and on eating. I had an arrhythmia. Had I not gone to him it would have been days until I had a heart attack. Over the years I developed high blood pressure and ulcers too. You see, OCD is more than germs or bad thoughts. It takes its toll on your body. There is only so much your body can take. Yes, therapy helps, but do it a few times and it’s like you can repeat everything. My best friend from high school became this big wig dr specializing in children with OCD. (Thanks to me ha ha). She laughs at me and says why do you bother asking me anything? I don’t know, maybe you got smarter. (She hasn’t). 

All these years later I know I’ll have relapses. I know I’ll either handle them with grace or I’ll fall apart. I won’t know until it happens. My dr and nurse truly amazing. Appointment gets made and my nurse asks if I will harm myself. The answer is always no, but she asks if I think about it. Yes Carol, I do. And every time Carol replies, “I will smack you into next week.”  Yes ma’am. I love Carol. I’ve cried on her, been yelled at by her when I’m being too strong and basically shared my life with her. My dr is slightly different. I decorated his house, so he is more of a friend. Last visit he cried when he told me he lost a patient to suicide last week. He knew I’d get it. We then discuss me. He’s such a mans man. I mean you lay down and you’ve got a dead bird butt in your face. His office is filled with dead things. I love him. (BTW Mrs. Dr. laid the smack down on dead things in the house.) Ok, back to what I was saying. I’m brutally honest with him. As honest as I can be. Health wise I’m doing better. Mentally it’s a crapshoot. Finding this doctor was a blessing. The original OCD Tribe gave me strength to find him and not give in and up because an old man saw me as nothing. 

I’m 43 now. Gave up on more babies. It’s ok, I got a pretty good one. Husband and I got through the trauma of war. The house hasn’t been decorated. Husband says the best mechanic drives the crappiest car because he has no time to fix his own. Kind of what happened to me. I’m doing ok today. Could be my drug cocktail kicking in. My beautiful Moose dog snores beside me. (Yellow lab) I feel calm. I know it won’t last, but for now I’m good. 

Haha). 

5 Comments
  1. bridgie101 5 years ago

    thanks for that. 🙂

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  2. ucfdarkknight 5 years ago

    beautifully written

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  3. Author
    retromom 5 years ago

    I think we all know what hell is, but sometimes you have to find “your people” to understand you’re not alone and that in itself is healing. And even though I detest this new format, I’ll still try to find my people. I need them, just like I did then. The fighters, the jokers, the women who won against their abusers, the ones who can laugh at themselves and everyone in between.

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  4. elf 5 years ago

    Thanks for sharing. I really know nothing about OCD beyond what stereotypes are portrayed in media and comedy. So I’d say I know nothing about it.

    I wish The Tribe had not mixed us. It’s not that we don’t have some common struggles, and many fit in more than one category. But it has gotten too big and too difficult to find “our people”

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  5. narved 5 years ago

    i would like to be in touch with you because i understand what ocd means because i have it

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