I have been quiet for days. I’m fighting this monster inside me, and I’m failing miserably. I fought so so so hard to get off anxiety meds and I worked hard lowering my Ativan usage through tittering down slowly, and now I’m back to square one. Nothing like being a hostage to something your friggin body needs because a bunch of assholes told you it was safe and temporary. I was tried on numerous anxiety meds and did well for a long time on celexa and decided over nine years ago to come off it and off valium. It took a year and a lot of break through attacks, but I did it, and I went to straight therapy. Then we hit the parts of my childhood, my first and second marriage and of “ him” and my sons death and I became uncertain and crawled back into the shell of being Nobody Nothing and then all this shit hit with Covid and I’m faltering and can’t catch myself. It’s a free fall and it’s landed me in ER twice.  How embarrassed I am and ashamed. Now my Ativan dosage is back up and they want me to go on another long range med until I’m through this crisis. I am lost. So lost right now, I’ve so much shame inside me that it chokes my very breath. 

3 Comments
  1. rikamono 6 months ago

    I do understand those feelings. Hope you feeling better.

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    1 kudos
  2. haphapa 6 months ago

    We can’t escape our minds, which is a fact tragic people can’t escape. You do well for a while and convince yourself that the dread is over, just for it to meet you shortly after waking up with no apparent cause. You meditate, you exercise, you medicate, and even have a good day, but still it catches back up.

    Despite this, you need to accept that it is getting better. We are products of our experiences. We form our self-image from our memories, and when those are bad we are bad. Just know that with good experiences comes good memories, which will gradually create a good self-image. The struggle is worth it because good experiences are worth having. You deserve them like every soul on this planet.

    Love you

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