I’m physically shaky, right now, but psychologically… I feel stronger than I have in a while. I took a pretty big chance, letting a new friend get so close, so quicky (I’v been burned that way, pretty recently, but this just felt different). I let someone into my thoughts. Not just fears, and insecurities… I obviously haven’t shared everything, but I haven’t really held back, when we’ve talked, either. The things he doesn’t know just haven’t come up, yet. It is strange – I’ve known I needed to make some new friends, and I have made a couple good friends through DT,but I can’t hang out with them. They get me, and they help me, but they’re so far away. I hope to hang out with both the lovely lady Bob, and Ace, at some point this summer.
I almost feel happy, right now. It’s all so strange. My situation is still pretty jacked up, but I feel so much more hopeful. And, honestly… I’m not even sure what I’m hoping for, because I can’t stand to think ahead, right now. I only have vague notions of what I want – of what would be nice, in theory, but… if I really try to expect anything of myself… I start to freak out. God, yeah… expectations… the word fucking scaresme, right now. I can’t even think about any of that. All I can think about is what’s going on in front of me, and around me, and inside me head, right [email protected] now. (And, in some cases, what’s going on 800 mi away, but there’s an immediate context to that.)
I’m not manic, or anything. I’m just… kind of… happy. Whenever something was really absurd, my old friend Jay (from the southside) used to say, "this tofu is madness! Get my gun!" I used to love that sh*t. I miss some of those guys. None of my best friends from the project are still around (wrong side of the dirt, hard time, or they’ve moved on to bigger and better criminal activities, in new locales). But, a couple of my friends who didn’t live in The Cener are still out there. Jay is one of them. He was like me – no angel, but he never actually lived in the project (like most of my old friends did – my cousin lived there, and sort of brought me into the group, which she eventually regretted). Jay and I used to drive all around Chicago, into the wee hours, smoking joints, and rocking out to great music. In our inebriated state, we were like little kids, marvelling at the city lights, and the moonlight, stretching it’s reflection across the rolling water of the lake. Every time I here, "Take On Me," that’s where I go, in my mind. Riding around in that little Camry, getting lost in our thoughts and the music, or talking about ANYTHING at all. We’d both just go on tangents, and listen to each other dreamily describe some aspect of our sadness, or happiness. It was never remotely romantic between us – we were like little kids together. Like, siblings… and, Jay would never hit on me. We just have this bond that doesn’t involve any of that. I miss him. I think I’ll give him a call. See if I can get him out here.
Now that seeing this thing through is feeilng more and more possible, I’m starting to think that, in some ways, my life is going to get better very quickly. There were some very basic things heroin has been getting in the way of – keeping the gas stove on, getting on top of important paperwork (the H definitely feeds procrastination), getting healthier, and figuring out where the hell I’m headed – lots of stuff, but with it out of the way… I don’t want to get ahead of myself, I just think that some things are gonna come together more quickly than I’d hoped. Practical things, mostly… but, the way I feel is exceeding my expectations, as well…
My cat just stole a piece of a Cinnamon roll. He’s become a full on pastry thief. He’s always up to something. Definitely not to be trusted…
Thanks for taking the time to read this, by the way. I really appreciate those of you who make an effort to chaeck in on me, regularly. I do notice you, on the comings and goings of my page, even when you don’t leave comments, and it does help to know you care.