I feel so unwanted by God…I love God so much but him and I have a very complicated relationship..Many days I am too frustrated to pray on a regular basis..because I see all the bad people getting what they want..and a person like me that has had alot of stress, always ends up with nothing…People are getting what they want without trying…One of my biggest upsets right now is that damn IRS Stimulus check..I am on SSI so I couldn't get that check..People are getting so much money back and I'm struggling with bills everyday…Why do people that already have money..get money back..Yes I know that you have to work hard and yada yada yada..then you get results..I have been a job interview reject since forever..even though I get an SSI check..I didn't plan on staying on SSI forever..I wanted to be of use to other people by getting a job..How am I supposed to make money if no one will hire me…I completely understand why some people are suicidal..When I tried to go to college the first time around, I had my version of a small breakdown because everyday I went to college I was panicky..I would have trouble getting up everyday to do the same thing all the time and see the same people…I couldn't concentrate and homework was just piling up…I have so many goals..but I don't know where to start..I hate to say this..but If my life doesn't straighten out by next year..when I turn 30, my family will end up having to bury me…I am so frustrated…more than ever…I feel like an academic reject….I used to write poetry..but now I can't even focus..My mind used to be my most prized possession..Now I can barely read a sentence…I doubt that the reading problem is from my depression..I think it started after I had my first seizure and was diagnosed with Epilepsy almost ten years ago..after I blacked out and hit my head and so on, life hasn't been the same…I have a short term memory from time to time..I don't remember what I said to someone yesterday..I don't even remember talking to people sometimes..I always can't keep track of what day it is..I can't focus at all…I have scoliosis(curve of the spine)…I depended on my mind for everything..whatever I couldn't do with my body, I did with my mind..I'm not in a wheelchair or anything..I just have trouble walking from time to time…I feel like either I'm doing something wrong or I have a spiritual block…Something is blocking all opportunities that should be going in my direction..I have had so many disappointments that I question my prayers..I question if God still cares about me..I question if God hates me…Its a sad way to live..I just don't know what to do anymore…Hopeless


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