Well, scared again. Anxiety sucks. This time, the trigger was a note from my neighbor, complaining about the dog barking. Yes, she was left alone for two hours last night, but I checked in on her every half hour, all was quiet. And then I came home to a note taped to my door. "Your dog has been barking continuosly for several hours, eight til ten. Guess it means that she cannot be left alone? The dog care services should be contacted, just like child care services? Neighbor XXX".
I know the dog was not home between eight and ten, but nevertheless. I know that she has not been left alone at home for several months, but obviously I cannot even train her (to be alone) without getting kicked out of the apartment. I am seriously distressed. What should I do? I feel stupid to take in a rehomed dog now. I love her, but she cannot keep controlling my life as she does, when I cannot leave her alone at home, even for fifteen minutes to get groceries.
I feel very angry with myself, and the dog, and the neighbor. And, of course, anxiety comes back at once when I get messages like this. Really, really bad. I have not dared leave the apartment today, just let the dog out into the garden for five minutes while watching her. I know I will not leave the apartment until it’s dark (luckily, sun sets about 4 pm here now), the curtains are drawn, I’m just sitting here, feeling scared, a tight knot in my chest, shaking, feeling sick to my stomach, tears streaming.
I have no idea how to cope with this, so I just sit here, feeling terrible, the same thoughts churning in my mind, telling me again and again that I’m in the wrong, that it’s all my fault, that I’m to blame for everything that’s not completely perfect. Awful thoughts, but somehow it makes sense to me, it’s right that I should feel shame and be sorry for all the wrong, bad, awful things I’ve done. And I feel even more stupid for feeling this way, because some part of me tells me that that’s not right either…