It’s getting late, and I’m starting to feel headachy, but I feel like I won’t be able to sleep until I get stuff off my chest.
I don’t get why it is that when somebody says mean things to me, I soak it all in, and it’s like no matter how hard I try to concentrate on my thoughts to desensitize the effects of the words, I am fooled for a moment that it is not hurting me…Only, by the time I walk away, do I start feeling like I am bruised by the words. And it’s weird too, cuz while he was saying all those things to me after I came back from my bike-ride (angered by him from something else), I knew (I think) that he didn’t mean those things. He was just trying to get me motivated to go do something, for my own good, but yet I still feel hurt. In him doing that, it doesn’t motivate me at all. It actually steers me off into somewhere else (feeling like this), and nothing gets done.
I don’t get why it is that I am not exactly like them, or at least used to all of this, since I’ve known them all my life. Why can’t I become like them? Build a hard coating around my heart, or to form a barrier in my ears. I’ve tried to not hear everything they say, but even though I am trying to block what people are saying around me, I still hear every word that’s said, whether it is to do something or whether it is criticism!
I wonder sometimes if I was given to her to balance things out for her. I feel like I’m absorbing their issues, carrying around their baggage which they kept on passing along the line, down to me, the end, only I don’t have anybody to pass it to. Why do I have to know better? I think I’d much rather be dumb and enjoy the time that I had to be dumb (and thus free), AND THEN to know better when it’s that time to know better. It’s like I’m never allowed to just be stupid and indulge in it, so that I can do nothing, and have somebody else do the things. (This probably doesn’t make sense unless I give examples…but I don’t want to talk about that stuff.) Another part of me tells me that I should be glad to know things, but that just means I have ever more responsibility. But I mean, among them and me, I’m supposed to be the least wise! I want to be oblivious and free, but they took that from me, now it’s too late. I can’t be dumb. I’m an “adult” now. But she didn’t let me, now there’s somebody else who won’t either.
And when I’m needed to do some small task to help them, I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to do those things, cuz when I think about it, the tasks really aren’t that hard, and why do I have to be a bitch and whine about it? Maybe this is related to asking why is it so hard to get up in the mornings. It’s really simple, yet it’s hard. And very likely also, I think if I needed the help, they whine about it too, only I think half the time, they don’t do it, so I only had myself to depend on. AND I’m mad because it’s my thing that they’re using, yet I have to adjust things so that the things are suitable for THEM??
It feels all too overwhelming, but I think also that maybe I just THINK that this is all really hard, when really it isn’t, and I shouldn’t be upset about all of this. Why do I feel this way then? How to perceive differently? I hope those books will help, and that I get around to them…
At the same time that I’m saying all this, I feel such guilt, because this other person only wants me to help myself, and better myself. And he doesn’t always whine when he actually helps me. The past year or so, he’s actually surprised me and done things for me without my asking.
I guess it’s the lack of understanding that hurts the most.
The day was going alright, then a twist occurred. But then that’s because of my damn sensitivity. Perhaps I am more sensitive than usual because my depression is slowly freeing itself.
I recently read more on depression, and found out that I have the dysthymia type. I forgot about that.