Allow me to kick and scream like a spoiled brat if you will….I'm angry that my friend Laura has a boyfriend now–which apparently means that other than getting together for an occasional movie evrey few weeks or so, I have fallen well off her radar….Mad that she and her bf are just going to go see a movie tonight and not go to the party afterwards that we were all invited to, which in turn means I'm not going to the party since she was pretty much the only real friend whom I thought was going to be there and who I could feel comfortable hanging out with…….really freaking sucks how uncool and lame a good female friend becomes once she "finds herself a man"…and really freaking sucks how insignificant you all of a sudden become to them once they do…Such is the way of things….Maybe I'd understand better if I were in a serious relationship of my own–hell, if I had ever BEEN in a serious relationship for that matter(my few experiences in serious relationships–or what I THINK were serious relationships anyway– mostly met with disastrous results and none lasted much more than a couple of months. And I do take a bulk of the responsibility for that).

 

I'm mad that my sister only paid me $50 for a whole week of staying at her house and watching her dogs while she and her family were out of town….Well she actually gave me a check for $110, but part of that is paying me back for the $60 I had to spend of my own miniscule funds to buy some more dogfood for the dogs since she of course didn't bother to take care of that on her own ahead of time before she left town….I'm mad that I don't have any records of what she has paid me in the past when I have stayed there a week, because I'm pretty sure that it's been somewhere in the range of $75-$100, but I have no way of proving that to her,, which is still well below what any non-family member has paid me for dogsitting in the past, but that's okay; I justify it by saying I'm giving her a "family discount"…I'm mad that I can't get myself to speak up about this to her…I don't know, maybe she looks at it as she's also doing a favor to me by letting me get out of my tiny one-bedroom apartment and letting me spend a whole week in her spacious beautiful home, with access to all kinds of things that I can't afford to have at my own place, including cableTV, more food,, etc. , not to mention a nice place in general that i wouldn't be emabarrased to invite someone over to unlike my own place!…Maybe she looks at it also as I get to spend a whole week watching those two precious dogs of hers, knowing that I really and sincerely do love those little guys…Maybe she noticed by looking at her gas odometer upon her return to town that I must have used her car a few times to drive around town to whereever, and therefore deducted what she normally might pay me in gas fees….

I'm mad that this beautiful girl popped into my personal universe virtually out of nowhere, , but it looks like there's a strong possibility that it's not going to lead to anything afterall; not even any kind of a friendship…So what in the HELL was the point then of the FLow of the Universe having her make an appearance in my life in a somewhat flukey manner if It's not even going to freaking mean anything? Yeah, I know, sometimes there are flaws in the FLow of the Universe, and perhaps this is one of them, but I really freaking hate it when there are….

But I'm glad I'm mad –crazy as that may sound–in regards to all of this. Because if I absolutely HAVE to make a choice, I'll take anger over sadness. Give me anger any day over depression and sadness. I'm sure many people here in DT can understand what I mean. I'm all for letting the anger stay, if it means letting the depression stay away.

Thanks for reading.

TH

 

 

 

2 Comments
  1. sadviolinist 8 years ago

    Todd ~ I'm so sorry you're having such a crappy day.  I think it is pretty sad that your sister didn't pay you much just because you're family…but at the same time, money is good money, you know?

    I'm also a little disappointed in your female friend now that she is with someone.  I wish I could promise you that once the newness of the relationship wears off she'll be back to hang out and do things with you, but I can't.  Some people can only focus on one thing in their lives ~ and when you have a good relationship often that is the focus. 

    As for the pretty girl; I'm sorry about that too.  I believe that eventually you will find someone to love you for who you are, and that along the way you date people and discover what you DON'T want in a relationship.  It sucks, but I believe that this is the way the universe teaches us necessary lessons. 

    Anger is good for awhile, but underneath all of the anger is hurt and pain that you have to deal with at some point.  Anger can be a driving force, but eventually it makes more of a mess than it's worth.  I know this personally ~ I've destroyed relationships, friendships, jobs and other things by allowing my anger to run my life instead of dealing with what was beneath all of that.  So feel the anger and let it out, but don't cherish it.  I know it feels so much better to be angry than to feel the depression that lies underneath.  Just be careful my friend… I care for you and don't want to see you do anything that you can't undo.

    I hope you have a good New Year's Eve despite everything.  I'm sitting at home too, not doing anything special.  But I'm okay with that. 

    I'll talk to you again soon and I hope I didn't offend you by being so truthful about my experiences; I just don't want you to get hurt even more.   ((((Todd))))  ~ Key

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  2. gomizzou 8 years ago

    Hi Key–thank you so much for your support and understanding on all of this.

    Regarding my female friend…  yeah, –I was more or less venting at that time;  I really don't have any bitter feelings towards her. Maybe I did selfishly at the time that I wrote the blog, but not anymore. Actually, it's been this way for a while now with her and I had actually gotten used to the fact that she's not as available to get together anymore as she used to be, but just felt disappointed that she wasn't going to the party after I had incorrectly assumed she would. She's a wonderful girl and a great friend–and I'm happy for her that she has someone if that's what makes her happy; she deserves to be happy. Again, was mainly just a spur-of-the-moment "venting" thing and I've gotten past it.

    Yeah, gotten past the money thing with my sister too.  I mean, it was aggravating and disappointing, but…like you said, at least I got SOME money out of it, right(not to mention a week-long stay in a beautiful house with high -quality showers and cable TV! lol) Indeed,  it's better than none at all.

     

     Regarding the girl, well, that continues to be a soap opera as much as  I'm making it out to be, but I think will be drawing to a close in the not-too-distant future one way or another.. .I've blogged about it some more or did a forum about it or whatever ever since I wrote this blog and have yet to find time to go back and read people's comments!(Ugh–I'm always so bad at getting to these things in a timely manner!)  I just hope people aren't sick of reading about it and can just understand that it's therepeutic for me somehow to write about it, and I could be wrong, but I don't think asking for input on how to handle things that I'm uncertain about is necessarily a bad thing, ist it? Sure, ideally I'd like to be the kind of person who can make decisions on situations like these on their own…but hey, if I've done that before and it led to disastrous results, I'd like to think that it's more of a wise thing to get input from others so as to try not to make the same mistakes again. If it's not, so be it. And hey, it's not like anyone HAS to read those blogs, right? lol…..Anyway, the bottom line is that I just have to hope to be able to be strong enough to handle it if the result is in fact disappointing; my gut feeling tells me it will be difficult at first, but that I'll get through it. I guess we'll see.

    I appreciate your advice and input on the whole "anger" thing. I know, I know, I got to be careful not to go too far with it; I know too much anger is not a good thing,. But for now, it's something of an "ally" I guess, but indeed, I have to be careful not to become too attached to it. I'll have to work on that, I know.

    No, no, no–you did not offend me whatsoever–you never do (although, there IS someone lately–a "stranger" more or less who came out of virtually nowhere in recent weeks and has been reading and responding to my blogs and is getting to the point of  being offensive with some of her well-intentioned but overly-harsh comments, and she's about thisclose to being blocked because I don't need that aggravation) I'm endlessly appreciative of your concern and caring for me. You are truly wonderful Key and you have a heart of gold. .

    Oh, regarind the New Year's Eve thing…it STILL had a chance to be salvaged that evening because there were backup plans to meet another friend at the party who was going to arrive there around midnight…but I ended up unintentionally falling asleep watching silly-ass New Year's Eve celebration shit on TV and missed out! lol…Oh well, there's always next year, right? 🙂

     

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