I havea lot on my mind right now. Some days I am depressed, but sometimes Iam not. Last week I was depressed only for a three days. Well, we can only discuss if three days are a lot or not. But that is not the main thing that I wanted to talk about today. I have news. Some good, some not.
1) I think I finally found what is 'wrong' with me or rather what I have problems with. I think I have anger issues. It would perfectly match with my start ofself-harming and what I had done before. I was searching for all kinds of disordies and depression issues when I came across this and like I said before, I think this would be the problem that I have.
– I started to self-harm when I was 8 because I was furious that I had to choose between two things. And since I was young, I have problems with deciding. I was so furious that I grabbed scissors and started to brush the blade against my hand. I still have the scar there. I had no idea why I did it, I just did.
– Boys in primary school were always laughing at me. Especially in my class. When I was in 7th grade, this boy that I hate was laughing at me in front of me. I was really angry and I just grabbed his arm and hurt him with my nails. I would never hurt anyone but in that moment, I wasn't really thinking.
– There is kinda this process of being angry. I give you an example- when I hear my parents fight, my first thought is- 'What the hell did my mom/dad say this time?'. In this exact moment, when I know that something bad is happening, I find it hard to breathe. Everytime I am angry, I can't breathe. So after I finally calm down, I have this thought- 'I wish I wasn't born.' Every damn time. And I just can't go away from this thought and I am thinking of all the reasons why I shouldn't been born. I can't stop crying at this point and I have need of hurting myself. So I do. Plus, sometimes when I am angry, I also hit a wall with my fist. So, yep. It goes away after like 4-5 hours but when I take my antidepressants, it goes away in a hour.
So these were like the general reasons of why I think I have anger issues. I really don't know, but it seems more possible according to my problems and it is common in adolesence too.
Which leads to my another news-
2) Self-harm. I started to self-harm, again. Most of you know already but I started to do it every day. Not because I am becoming more and more depressed, but because I just feel like I need to punish myself for my existence. I am mostly angry at myself. So I made around 6 bruises with glass jar and it was painful. But the pain was really calming.
Do I want to stop?
Hell no. I want to keep doing it because it is calming me down and everything about it is beautiful to me. I finally feel like a human with feelings. If someone tell me that he would like to start to self-harm, I would immediately give him all the reasons why not to because it would destroy his life. I know what you are thinking right now, but I don't have answer for it yet. I think my life is destroyed enough and I don't really have a reason to stop. I would love to cut myself again, but we are going to swimming pool every friday so I can't. So instead of that, I am hitting myself. I am writing about it because I need to get it straight in my mind. I know I should stop if I want to convince others not to do it. But I really can't.
Thank you for listening and commenting on my blogs. You guys are really awesome.