Hi! Why is it so hard to be happy? I think i forgot how to laugh, how to have fun.. I feel so empty and alone. Im lying beside my two kids. Tommorow is my eldest son graduation day.he'll be grade 1 next school year.i should be happy. But i dont know why im like this. I dont know why i feel this way. Do i loose my mind? Am i crazy? I dont think so because im still aware that im crazy so maybe not yet. But soon… HELP! There's so many times that i keep on asking myselp if i already loose my mind. There's a voiceInside my mind that keep on telling me something. Its like talking or debating from the other me.. I know its wrong. But there are times that i feel like giving upAnd leave them. But i want them with me(my kids). WhoseGonna take care of them? Im so stupid to keep on telling my son to take good care of his sister when im gone. I dont know why i keep on telling him that. I know i should not tell him things like that because he maybe traumatize. But i dont know why i still do that. Maybe so he knows what to do when im gone.. I love my kids so much. They are the only reason that i want to fight myself from loosing control. They are the one suffering from my condition. Am i just deppressed? I feel like nobody loves me. They just want me because they need me. Ive done so many bad decisions in my life.most of them are still inside my mind. And i cant seem to forgive myself for those things.. I want to be free and have a true peace ofMind…
Pls help me not to loose my mind and give up.. My kids and family needs me…

4 Comments
  1. borntired 11 years ago

    was right where you were at in january. i am now seeing a psych for meds (has me on zoloft) and a christian counselor for my low self esteem issues and more. Both are really helping. Especially the counseling. I have been talking myself into thinking worse about myself. I bet you are too. U sound very depressed to me, that is what makes you lose interest in things. I also have little kids (and big ones too) and this is very hard on them too. Are you on meds? seeing a counselor? both are worth a try

     

    hugs to you

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  2. apple_grace_31 11 years ago

    Nope,im not into counseling and medicine yet. I know i have a pro blem inside. But its just that when i try to tell somebody that maybe i need to see a doctor, they ljust laugh at me and ignore me. They say what the hell am i talking about. That im talking nonsense… They dont know that im really troubled inside.. I Just kept all my emotions to myself.. So most of the time when i feel like bursting, those were the times that my kids were the one who suffered. I wasnt able to control myself so i told them that im loosing my mind and that i want to give up. I know its wrong. And i want to control myself from saying things like that again… They need me… Maybe i just need someone who listen and understand what im going through.. My partner is now busy with their canteen. They just open last march23,2012.. He seems to have forgotten that he has a family..All i need is just a little thoughfulness..i know he’s too busy with their canteen but atleast he must ask us how we are now. If we already eat or what. But he didnt. He doent even bother to call or messege us… 

    Tell me, am i just acting too weird? Was it really me who has problem? I think i wouldnt be like this if he’s not like that…

     

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  3. CarlaM 11 years ago

    Apple I think this the issue with mean.  They are selfish and only think of themselves until they either lose us to another or to an illness or possibly death and then they want to tell everyone around them how much they cared and loved you when they couldn't show it while you were there with them.  I'm going thru something like you with my fiance not being there.  He goes out several times a week drinking and stays out until sometimes 6am without calling and expects me not to be upset and we have 4 girls and a son on the way (I'm 7 months pregnant) and I don't want my kids to see what he puts me through so I don't show the hurt or pain when they are around but when I'm by myself I sometimes cry myself to sleep and I feel better for a moment but then the pain comes back like a ton of bricks and I can't control myself I just want to run away but I know if I left or did any harm to myself my girls would be left to raise themselves because their dad isn't much of a father to me even though he thinks he is.  I sometimes wish I would have never gotten with him 18 years ago which is making it even harder to leave because I have been with him so long.  I wish I had someone to give me advice on this issue because I am all out.  It use to not be like this and I ask him is it me and he steadily denies it but it has to be something he is not telling me and it is really starting to hurt me even more knowing that he don't even think he can talk to me about what is wrong with him. I'm totally lost!!!

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  4. lecourage 2 years ago

    Apple, I was you 12 years ago. I could not laugh or smile anymore with my kids ages 2 and 5. I saw a psychiatrist and got on meds for depression and anxiety and found my laughter back. Joy took 10 years to come back but laughter came back quick. Please see a psychiatrist as soon as you can. They are the ones who know drugs best for mental illness. I recognize your symptoms as my own. Sending you lots of love.

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