Hello all. Let me start off by saying I'm a 22 year old living with ocd invading my mind and how I think. I've had ocd since I was about 16 maybe even sooner but that's when I was officially diagnosed and noticed the difference in my way of thinking. My obsessions are mostly in my head and are intrusive. I have an intrusive thought, usually about someone I love or that I'm around a lot, and I obsess about the truth in it. I say "what if?" What if that's really how I feel and I've been lying to myself? It's like I don't trust my own mind when I say no that's silly don't think that way.
For a year, about two years ago, I was on vacation with my family, and had an intrusive sexual thought about a family member. I felt disgusted. I felt as though I was crazy. My heart hurt because I was beginning to distance myself from them because I was afraid of reoccurrence. It affected my physical being as well as my mental being. My whole mind was consumed with this thought and the harder I tried to forget the harder it was to keep this thought out of my head.
With talking with my family and telling them how I felt they crazily understood. My sickness was more prominent ever and they understood it. They knew I would seek reassurance, a huge part of my ocd showing it's ugly face. I was constantly asking am I crazy? I swear I don't purposely think this way. Of course they knew this was my ocd affecting me drastically but it felt good to know that the black hole I felt I was stuck in, really wasn't so deep at all. That their could be a light at the end of the tunnel because when I expressed that thought and they assured me that this was my disease, and I felt relief. I felt for a moment like my old self.
A lot of times I compare my ocd to a feeling of "not being myself". As in, I don't want to think this way, but when my mind gets exhausted, and I give in to the obsessing and let it hurt me, I don't feel like me anymore, I feel the ocd run my thoughts. It repeats those thoughts over and over, screaming them at the top of its lungs at me, further distressing me and leaving me in a state of panic.
I feel as though my ocd comes stays around for awhile and leaves eventually; when I get ahold of it. It always seems to come back sooner or later though, as I said before, targeting the people I love the most. Butif I obsess about something else, like my boyfriend for example, I'm happy because he makes me happy and understands me. Currently, I'm stuck in one of my ruts as I like to say. I'm having these horrible thoughts about my boyfriend and I. Thoughts that make me want to cry, because I know their not true, but my ocd is trying to take control, targeting the most important person to me. Thoughts that my feelings are different or that I want to be alone, only those thoughts are exacting what I DON'T want to be thinking. I love his soul. I love his company, he makes me laugh, and feel normal. We've been together for 2 1/2 years and I love him so much. But that ocd of mine, the thing in my life I can't seem to permenantly get rid of is this big bully in my head trying to tell me to believe this thought. It makes me wanna scream, almost yell at myself to stop. To stop thinking this way, to not succumb to its power, but it stays there all day like a virus, constantly making me uneasy.
I'm beginning to write andexpress my struggles with ocd in hopes that I can receive the comfort of knowing that I'm not alone in this horrible way of thinking. That I can help others to see they're not alone either. I hope others can relate, I need a sense of ease that it's possible to overcome this and be back to my old self.