Hello all. Let me start off by saying I'm a 22 year old living with ocd invading my mind and how I think. I've had ocd since I was about 16 maybe even sooner but that's when I was officially diagnosed and noticed the difference in my way of thinking. My obsessions are mostly in my head and are intrusive. I have an intrusive thought, usually about someone I love or that I'm around a lot, and I obsess about the truth in it. I say "what if?" What if that's really how I feel and I've been lying to myself? It's like I don't trust my own mind when I say no that's silly don't think that way.
For a year, about two years ago, I was on vacation with my family, and had an intrusive sexual thought about a family member. I felt disgusted. I felt as though I was crazy. My heart hurt because I was beginning to distance myself from them because I was afraid of reoccurrence. It affected my physical being as well as my mental being. My whole mind was consumed with this thought and the harder I tried to forget the harder it was to keep this thought out of my head.
With talking with my family and telling them how I felt they crazily understood. My sickness was more prominent ever and they understood it. They knew I would seek reassurance, a huge part of my ocd showing it's ugly face. I was constantly asking am I crazy? I swear I don't purposely think this way. Of course they knew this was my ocd affecting me drastically but it felt good to know that the black hole I felt I was stuck in, really wasn't so deep at all. That their could be a light at the end of the tunnel because when I expressed that thought and they assured me that this was my disease, and I felt relief. I felt for a moment like my old self.
A lot of times I compare my ocd to a feeling of "not being myself". As in, I don't want to think this way, but when my mind gets exhausted, and I give in to the obsessing and let it hurt me, I don't feel like me anymore, I feel the ocd run my thoughts. It repeats those thoughts over and over, screaming them at the top of its lungs at me, further distressing me and leaving me in a state of panic.
I feel as though my ocd comes stays around for awhile and leaves eventually; when I get ahold of it. It always seems to come back sooner or later though, as I said before, targeting the people I love the most. Butif I obsess about something else, like my boyfriend for example, I'm happy because he makes me happy and understands me. Currently, I'm stuck in one of my ruts as I like to say. I'm having these horrible thoughts about my boyfriend and I. Thoughts that make me want to cry, because I know their not true, but my ocd is trying to take control, targeting the most important person to me. Thoughts that my feelings are different or that I want to be alone, only those thoughts are exacting what I DON'T want to be thinking. I love his soul. I love his company, he makes me laugh, and feel normal. We've been together for 2 1/2 years and I love him so much. But that ocd of mine, the thing in my life I can't seem to permenantly get rid of is this big bully in my head trying to tell me to believe this thought. It makes me wanna scream, almost yell at myself to stop. To stop thinking this way, to not succumb to its power, but it stays there all day like a virus, constantly making me uneasy.
I'm beginning to write andexpress my struggles with ocd in hopes that I can receive the comfort of knowing that I'm not alone in this horrible way of thinking. That I can help others to see they're not alone either. I hope others can relate, I need a sense of ease that it's possible to overcome this and be back to my old self.
It would be great if I could tell you one day you will feel like your oldself but there is no going back. You can become different than you are at this moment but there is no rewind button. I wished for soo long to be my old self and once i realized that would most likely never happen you can move Forward. It is hard I know, I grievd for that girl I use to be then I picked myself up and started pushing forward. You are in no way alone in this struggle, everyone here knows the struggles you have and will face. What has helped me the most is getting ocd books like the imp of the mind and the ocd workbook. You may never feel like your old self but you can grow from this become better than you are now. I hope you feel better don't let OCD tear you and your bf apart. Stay strong.
Just reading this helped me immensely. I suffer from intrusive thoughts too, horrible, terrible thoughts that make me feel sick, and make me doubt myself constantly. I start to fear that I will act out the thoughts, and like you, distance myself from people and things as a way of comforting myself, to tell myself it won't happen. Intrusive sexual thoughts are so hard to talk about, and just knowing that I'm not alone makes me feel like I might be able to deal with them. I'm so tired of feeling like a perverted freak, and every time somebody reminds me that the thoughts are just a symptom, I feel just a little bit better. My psych told me that people with OCD will have intrusive thoughts that are the opposite of who they really are. So someone who is really religious might have thoughts of desecrating a church. We have those thoughts because we are so morally against them that it's the worst thing our mind can think of.
Anyway, you're not alone. And neither am I 🙂
It's so refreshing to come on here and feel a sense of ease! My hope is that my struggles with ocd can help others feel that same sense of ease. We can all help by hearing others stories.
thanks =]
Hi Gina_Louise,
My OCD ALWAYS targets the one I love the most also; my thoughts are harm centered which makes me sick to my stomach just like you feel. I have had OCD since I was 15 and now am 31; it got worse after having my daughter who the thoughts always focus on now. It used to be my mom before her; these are the thoughts that bother me the most which is why they get stuck in the horrible spiral of OCD. I feel your pain; it sucks really badly to feel the worst around the people you love most… I wish the harm thoughts would center around someone I didn't care about but then again, it wouldn't bother me then….
I am sorry this happens to you. It is awful. You have so much insight, and clearly know that Bully in your head very well. I offer support to you and encourage you to keep fighting that bully. Love is worth it.
Thankfully you have a family that understands, and more importantly, you have some understanding of what's going on. OCD seems to target what we love, cherish and fear most. It's its way or trying to get leverage and have us give in. If OCD targeted things we didn't care much about, it would be too easy for us to dismiss it. It's so uncanny that it's a mental disorder, yet it seems to have a mind of it's own in a way and our minds intrusively think about what we love most and comes us with a worst case scenario revolving around those things we love. You are definitely not alone. You're not crazy either. I hope you find some comfort soon and get the tools you need to be able to see things clearer and the knowledge and strength to be able to take your life back.
Thank you all, just reading and seeing your feedback makes me feel better. I know that a lot of times I feel like I've lost control and I can't get back on track, but I'm going to continue to fight it because I refuse to give up. It's hard, and today, I feel like I'm really stuck and hurt, but I need to be positive and remember all these things, ocd will not control my life and mind!!!