Yesterday a truck tried to run me over as I passed him, taking up both lanes of a passing zone and forcing me into oncoming traffic making me hit a safety marker in the middle of the road so my car has a brand new dent in the hood. It was too late to stop and the alternative was hitting many more of those markers or getting hit by the truck. So after I go to my shrink after work I guess I need to head to the police station to file a report on top of having a huge project due tonight, on top of various other stressors.

Should I even bother going to the police? I remember his trailer number, it was 613. I called his company but I forgot his license plate. They could get that off of the traffic light footage, I just don't want to risk pointing out my behavior afterwards (getting out of my car at the next stoplight and waving my maglite around) and end up turning myself in for a ticket. I suppose it is better than the alternative, waiting around for the ticket to show up in the mail, which will probably just result in that guy getting away with it.

Anyway this is why I'm here so early, I needed to get these thoughts out before my hectic day swallows me whole because I won't have time later.

Just for future reference, is is kind of a downer to hear that you are friends with someone when you already know. It sort of made me check out emotionally while mentally kicking into overdrive. Suddenly I had to analyze every move so I wouldn't make the same mistakes, trying to figure out what "it" was which was there in the beginning and what had happened to it. Since we were already friends, hearing you say that made me assume I was losing you, and thought I needed to try harder just to stay in the game, while the opposite was true.
I got so desperate last night I actually bought one of those relationship help books which prey on people's feelings of inadequacy and insecurities. It told me that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference, and that appears to be what I am facing now. This book didn't even haveany suggestions for dealing with that. Hate is better. That's why I was hoping she was only mad…it means she still feels something. I believe she feels nothing and am fully expecting to bealone in 60 days so at least I should be getting my money back
This is a free technique it taught me which kept me from having a panic attack while searching for my prepaid credit card.
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It probably wouldn't hurt my mood for me to actually start taking the CoQ-10 and Omega-3 I have just lying around my house either, as another member suggested a few days ago. I only recently started taking the anxiety medicine again. I don't know why; maybe I felt I had to prove to myself I could get through the crisis without it. I nearly didn't.
Now this seems like a bad idea but she really does enjoy my writing so I had a plan to write her every day except Wednesdays until she started writing me back. Itis a bad idea because I am probablyoverestimating this part of our relationship, even though I know sheas an avid reader, even the epic email intended to be the final one I sent last night, by the light of day, seems terribly inadequate and insufficient. There are not words for what I need to get across to her. Probably better to end this wayinstead ofpestering her and not giving her the option to forget about me. Sooner or later my communiques would be deleted unread and if it got that phase there would truly be nohope for the future.
I figured she would come to expect them and wait for them and notice when I missed one butit seems if would be such an ingratiating way to try to artificially remain in her life and would likely only earn me significant contempt. She should not have to try to get used to me being there and she shouldn't take my presence for granted. She wants space I can take a hint, and as I'm not a stalker, I am going to stop contacting her for now. I know she would never make the first move so I will just have to try to sense when is appropriate, but I am guessing she wants me to stay away for at least a month. I keep looking forward to the future and the exciting things I am going to be trying, and all that matters is her absence, none of it seems to matter because she is not there, what is the point of improving myself if can't make her happy? I am in a deep spiritual malaise and she is the only one I want to reach out to, and the one who I can't. I deserve this. I am doing this to myself. This is like if I were to physically hurt myself to feel. I need to remind my emotional mind that I am not dead and not a robot. When I was depressed, I didn't much care about anything. This means that I am getting better, and feel infinitely worse. I'm starting not to feel much of anything, just numb. Maybe this means I'm backsliding to the way I was before, but that was working well enough, I guess. I was never this fixated on anything. I never tried anything, either, but everything I try fails so maybe this is a good thing, too.
Sometimes I wish my phone couldn't store drafts. How am I supposed to delete something that I haven't been able to say? How can I hold on to something I wrotemeant for someone who doesn't want anything to do with it or me?
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