I am so mad at myself. Mad that I gained back like 5 pounds in less than a month, mad that I suck at managing my money, mad that I even freaking exist. My brain makes everything harder.

I'm mad that I had all these sexual traumas that have made me the messed up person I am today. I'm mad that I don't know anything anymore. I once was very intelligent and now I have turned to muck in the brain. I'm mad that I get freaking hot flashes all the time, and the only way to get around it is to go off my meds that make it so I can function.

I'm mad that I've had to work so many crappy jobs. I'm mad that I sell myself short. I'm mad that I've been fired 4 times in my life. I'm mad that I've had to apply for unemployment twice. I'm mad that I am stuck and unable to move. I'm mad that I live in Lynden WA and I hate this town and all it represents. I'm mad that my fiance doesn't have ocd or struggle with his weight or money. I'm mad that there are no support groups locally for ocd. I'm mad that money doesn't grow on trees. I'm mad that time even freaking exists. I'm mad that I have to have a wedding in order to be married. I'm mad that my neigbors stay up all hours of the night being really loud and inconsiderate.

I'm mad that I never crave sex with my fiance. I'm mad that I get messed up images in my head. I take the most taboo, socially unacceptable things and obsess on those: Feces, Urine, Beastiality, Pedophillia. Why can't I obsess about something normal like counting or washing my hands. Atleast you can explain that to people without being outcast.

I feel outcast. I feel neglected. I feel abused. I feel traumatized. I feel isolated. I feel bullied. I feel unworthy. I feel fat. I feel stupid. I feel guarded. I feel disgusting.

  1. strawberry 11 years ago

    Hi there!

    You know how many times I have thought so many of the things you mention. Especially where you say why couldnt your ocd be something like washing hands etc I have very bad intrusive thoughts like in very bad which in turn lead to compulsions. It is so embaressing, how do you explain to someone that you are thinking these horrible unimaginable things! THe thing that keeps me sane is the fact that i have ocd and although its very difficult I am starting (only starting, it is still extremely difficult!!!) to accept the fact that these thoughts have nothing to do with the me as a person. Its weird I know, but something my dad always tells me if this was really you, why are you so upset about it. If these thoughts were really coming out of you as a person and you meant them, you wouldn't have been so disgusted by them. Yes at the time you get overwhelmed by them you cant think of anything else, but the fact that you think afterwards oh my word how could I have thought that shows you that it is no really you! And that is ocd's main power – making you doubt yourself! those thoughts are not yuo, they are not who you are! I wish you the best of luck and remember you are not alone!!!! 

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  2. strawberry 11 years ago

    oh by the way I struggle with the weight issue too, I hate loving food so much lol but food comforts me in a way. sad I know, I battle with it every day. Do not be too hard on yourself, its very difficult especially for a person with ocd.

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