Unknowable wrote a comment on my blog a few weeks ago "I compare OCD to an addiction. It's extremely hard to resist, but if you don't learn to, you're addicted forever." and his words have really stuck with me. Now whenever I want to go back and wash my hands a second time (or in most cases, a 6th or 7th time 😉 ), I say in my head to myself "OCD is an addiction. Fight it." I have always considered myself to have extremely strong willpower when it comes to achieving my goals, and this is just another one of them. It is such an addiction, such a strong one that it is very difficult to fight. It's exactly like a drug addiction when you think about it though. You can reason to yourself why it's ok to go back and wash your hands a few more times…. "oh no one's home to see me do it so why not… I have enough time to do it before I leave so why not…. a couple more times won't hurt, it will just relieve my anxiety" the same way a drug addict might say, "oh one more hit will be okay, nobody is here to know i'm doing it one last time, it will help me feel better just for now, just for this moment". It really got me to thinking. If I want to stop doing this, I can't just stop doing it when other people are around to notice. I have to do this for me. I have to "get clean" (lol) for me. I guess you could say "get dirty". I'm not gonna lie and say I'm magically cured, the road to normalcy is a very long one, although hopeful. Today I did wash my hands about a hundred times I'd say, and I've used an entire container of hand soap as I usually do. BUT… There were at least a dozen instances where I really really really wanted to wash my hands and i DIDNT. to me, that's progress. I go home in a few days to my boyfriend and family and I cannot wait. Feeling safe will really help me to make some progress, I think. And this new mindset at least gives me hope and a new energy to tackle this, whereas before I had no desire to go on and I had pretty much given up and succumbed to the 'addiction'. I have some fight left in me, dammit! I do NOT give up easily, never have never will…..

thanks Unknowable…

1 Comment
  1. smh2010 10 years ago

    Congrats on your progress.  Every time you don't give in you've won a battle, hopefully you'll win the war.  I agree it is like an addiction, you know its bad for you, but you cant stop.  I've compared it to a evil being before.  One that isn't satisfied until it has all of you.  Little by little it wants to creep into every part of your life.  Anyway, your blog has inspired me to try a little harder. 

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