i hate that i think too much. and i hate that my thoughts get out of control so fast. i can be chill one second and the next i'll be in a frenzy.. and i hate it when it comes to my friends….

long story short…

a couple of years ago, i spent an entire summer trying to keep my best friend from committing suicide. i was only 14.. and she was 17.. we were on webcam at like 3am and she had a knife and was going to kill herself while i was watching..she turned off her webcam and ended the video called. i called her like 20 times before she picked up and she was okay.. it was the longest summer because so many nights i had to tell her how much she meant to me.. and i was so young.. i didn't even understand how to handle my life.. and i was trying to give her reasons to live..

so you can say that summer has me scarred… i have dreams about it still.. its been almost 4 years.. and i have nightmares about it.. and i guess i easily get panicked with my friends.. especially if they are the slightest bit upset..

so bringing to right now and the relevance for this blog.

my best friend has been really struggling.. and i don't know what to do.. and she's really upset and losing hope.. and just is hating everything right now.. i am currently 400 miles away so that makes my stress level up anyway.. and it gets bad.. if i don't hear from her… i get panicky.. i have panic attacks.. and i just get sooo scared.. and i know its an irrational thought.. i know she's okay.. but i still worry.. i haven't heard from her in 6 hours and her last text was like "screwwwwwwww ughh" nothing else. and i just ugh.. i am really anxious.. and i am trying to chill.. but i can't.. i hate thinkingggg. i hate it.. but i can't get the thought out of my head… ughhhh

my rant.

3 Comments
  1. Snug9 12 years ago

    Have you tried to call anyone else that you know is near her… maybe she has a friend closer that could go to her and help her.  Stay positive and let her know that you need her in your life… good luck…

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  2. MalCorinne 12 years ago

    she texted me a little bit after posting this. she's okay.. i usually call another one of our close friends when my anxiety gets out of control. i just moved so i am still trying to adjust to being away and i guess.. not seeing her everyday. i need to try and chill. thank you. (:

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  3. blondiemom 12 years ago

     I am in a similar situation as you right now.  A cousin who is about 400 miles from me has threatened suicide today and I am still awake at 1 am freaking out over it.  It's really hard to tell how much of that is ocd and how much of it is just pure worry.  I'm thinking that anyone "normal" would be as scared as we are, I mean your story is so heartbreaking and scary.  Being 14 that would stick with you and give anyone horrible anxiety.  It's too bad we can't turn our brain off for sleep and turn it back on when we are ready too.

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