Doesn’t matter how much pain i feel or how my emotions are leaning,  there’s no excuse for losing my temper.  *sigh  Simply:  fml.  If i could simply cut it away, wouldn’t it feel a lil better?  Probably not… Then, there’d be a mess to clean up.  Head’s pounding….seems like it’s gonna be the norm, for now, since the heat has arrived and after all, i do have issues from previous injuries…  Wishing doesn’t help…only makes me feel like i’m determined to live a dream that’ll never happen–unrealistic.  If that’s not enough, i feel like every bit of pressure and pain is sitting inside my throat, ready to spew.  i’m so tired of being me.  *sigh  But, at the same time, i don’t believe anyone else would want the job…Heck, most of the time, i’m wiped out by it.  i will say this, though:  the urges have been extremely present, this week.  i really felt like i was finally getting ‘somewhere,’ dealing with things a bit better, trying to be proactive instead of giving up completely….  Then, it just seems like the bottom falls out–which isn’t that far from the floor, as it is–and the shit storm erupts.  Between the pressures, pain, future move, and lack of sleep, most of the time, i feel like giving up more often than not.  So, what’s to be done?  Guess i’ll keep working on dinner, for now….Keep writing when i can….Continue going to therapy, while i’m here, anyway, as well as the support group….  As well as trying to find my voice and use it more appropriately?  Stop letting things build so much i blow?  Speak my peace, instead of waiting for hell to reign?  i’m so tired of this crap.  i have to change things in my life.  i have to figure myself out–how can anyone else understand me, if i don’t understand myself?  i have to find better ways to cope and vent and just BE…. Just these past couple hours have wiped me out.  Guess i should probably try for a nap–something to make it go away, even if just for a few minutes.  i know if i stay awake, i’m gonna do something else..So sick of this routine…..i need a break.  

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