So, here I am again still in NC pondering what the hell Im doing. I mean sure i wrote the Book The Sunshine Murders and its finsihed, professionally edited and on Amazon and Kindle and Audible.com and bla bla bla. But now that it finished what do I do I dont know. i guess Im a sty at home dad now. But wait, hes in school. So, hmmm…then Im a stay at home dude now with HIV. Or am I just a bum. I dont know. Its weird. The Sunshine Murders Book has actually been selling some book, especially on Audible.com. Thats cool but if you look at the payout you will think oh jeez, whos really banking here. So, thats a wash if your thinking about making a buck no doubt. I still play guitar alot but the reality is nobody really wants to hear someone play guitar all freakin day so thats a wash too. I did manage to learn some new songs so thats cool. But anyhoos. I talked with some old buds from San Diego and alot of them are really bummed out about the passing of a good friend of ours Clint. Clint was for all intents and purposes, a rebel. He was a cool dude though. Back in the early 80s we used to surf everyday and his saying when he saw you was "Ohhhhhhh What!!!??? By the time we were in our twenties I was in the Marines and he eventually went into the Army Rangers. After all that was done we would usually see each other at a rat hole bar in Ocean Beach San Diego. Then in 2008 he started getting sick, losing weight and finally after a year died. He was 44 years old. Way too freakin young. He was one of those guys who was always smiling, always stoked to hit the waves, had a couple kids and a wife and lived in a little beach pad on the same block I grew up on. We used to walk around town in the late 70s all punked out wearing boots levis and tshirts and smoke those clove cigarettes I think thaat were called Jarms….something like that. Melanoma took him and it too him quick. I miss Clint or Clintdog or Clinster as we called him. So now I look at my pathetic self nd think damn, here I am now living with Aids becuase I was an idiot and slept with too many women in my earlier years. Suks big time and Im only 49 now. But Ive done alot. The Marines for six years, Navy for two then a four year electricial trade school and worked like a dog for years. So, then I go back to what the H am I doing. Living with HIV for so many year and trying to redefine myself has been too much. Maybe its North Carolina where I have absolutely no connections. Or maybe its just this simple. Im better off where Im at because at least I get a check everymonth. But then that check gets eate up by the partner and 10 year old that Im just sitting here thinking WTF. The mother in law was here for a few days sat around smoking then cooking, then smoking and cooking. Yuck Yuck OMG freakin gross. It made me sick to even be in the same area as her. When she leftshe downed a full cup of coffee in 1 minute and smoked a last cigarette calling after herself as she left. "Be well Dave!" Huh..? I mean wtf was that??? Some people can fuction that way….leaving a trail of smoke after them..muttering some uninteligent comment. So, yea thats a joke there. I told my partner we need therapy, I mean I said we aint gonna make it through this crap..no way. She said great, lets do it as she walked off. Yea right like thats gonna happen. So I sit and ponder and ponder some more. She thinks Im going mad, I told her, you are making me mad….not angry. just insane. So, I guess Im insane. Insane for sticking around. Insane for thinking it will work and insane for being an idiot and not seeing the head games that were being played. So, I sleep alot….Im tired and wore out, burned out by the HIV and the people who claim to give a rats a(( about me. Ive always been an all or nothing dude, my dad taught me that. Do things right or dont do it at all. So, right now after finally finishing The Sunshine Murders, Im doing just that…nothing.

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