Lately I've been really bored with life. It's like all the things I used to enjoy are just boring now, it's like I'm just passing through life, like nothing is really important. I miss hanging out with my friends and family in California. Over there I had a life, I did things, I enjoyed things. That's something that me and my boyfriend talked about recently, he said that he always feels bad about bringing me here because he's seen how lonely and depressed I am at times, and how in California I was always going out and socializing but here I don't do any of that stuff. I'm naturally a very shy person, I don't like socializing with people I don't know. All of the friends I had in California were people that I'd known for years and we became a lot closer after high school.

Speaking of that, I think it's pretty funny how in high school I had almost no friends and no one really wanted to hang out with me because I was a loser and stuff, yet after high school it's like majority of people just realized that it doesn't matter who is popular and who isn't. I still find it funny how when I'd see people who were really popular in high school weren't really going anywhere once they left high school, and all of the kids who were wall flowers and nerds were the ones going places and getting good jobs and having fun with life. Like my friend Oscar, he was always the super smart, fat, funny friend, but after high school he lost about a good 100lbs, owns one of the only 2 pita shops in town (pitas and sushi are big over where I used to live) and now he's going to college to get a degree in criminal investigation (I think…I know it's something to do with police work). Or like me when I lived there, I was living on my own, working full time and went out partying and clubbing almost every weekend and always hung out with my family. And then there was Jonathon, he was the sexiest boy in school and everyone wanted to date him. Now after high school, he's gained a bunch of weight and still works at the same job, in the same position as he did in high school (stock boy at a grocery store). And also, about 95% of the girls in my graduating class now have babies. They either got pregnant during high school or within 6 months of graduating. Or like the popular bad boy in high school Kiso, within a year of graduating he's now in jail for 15 years.

Now that I look back on it, it was nice living in the comfort of my family. Yes, we were sheltered from things once we were all together, but now that we're all older we were pretty well off, we all helped each other. Even though individually we didn't have much to give someone or each other, but when we all came together there was always lots of love, food and people. We all lived really close to each other, mainly because of my grandma. We all stayed close to help her and help each other. That's one thing that I kind of miss, as long as you helped everyone then they'd never let you down. That's one thing that kind of suprised the hell out of me here with my boyfriend's family. They nag and complain and butt in to your bussiness and they're the first to throw in their opinion (even though it's never asked for), but they won't help. Example, my boyfriend needed some gas money, neither of us had money. So his mom started talking about how if we had better jobs we'd be able to pay for gas and get other things…etc., but she didn't offer to help. No one offered to help and no one did help.

I think now I know why my family stays so close together and why the only people who don't live close to us are extremely rich. Whenever we move away, unless we're extremely rich then we end up having an extremely hard time. Like my mom, she moved to Idaho and then divorced my dad when I was still really little and then moved back with everyone and made things better for us. I still remember the first day we came to California. My mom had called them and said that she wanted to move back to California, so everyone drove all the way to Idaho and packed everything up and drove us all back to California; it was on my birthday. I cried just about the whole ride there, because I'd never met them before and I didn't know what was going on except that we weren't going back to Idaho, then we made it to California and they had a cake there for me so that I could celebrate my birthday (it was about 2am)

But ya…I think I'm starting to get a bit home sick. Now that I look back on it all I realize that if I would have just let everything go that ever happened and had just stopped fighting and trying to live my own life away from everyone then I would had been extremely happy, I would have had everything I needed and then a bit more. Kind sucks that I'm realizing this now, oh well. Guess I just have to learn and live.

2 Comments
  1. betterlatethan 11 years ago

    I'm sorry you are homesick. My daughter is nine-teen and she just moved 5 hours away to stay with her dad. She was home schooled. We were like best friends. It's really hard. Family and friends are all that matters in life. Hope you find a good friend soon.

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  2. hippychik87 11 years ago

    I've always thought about "what if i did this" or "if only this had happened". I miss my old life so much, the life I had before I moved away to be with my boyfriend, I had so many friends, a wicked lifestyle, I was doing well at uni and had a fun but relaxing job. Now I live in a strange place with hardly any friends and a part time job that pays peanuts. I dwelled on that for ages, I think that's what got me into this depression.

    Part of my recovery has been to start making a new life for myself here, to make new friends, join clubs and have fun at my job. I think that I was most depressed when I was thinking about how much I missed my old life. But accepting that this is my new one and that I am the only one responsible for how I live it has been a major step to getting better.

    Hope this helps

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